Desire Healthy Boundaries in Relationships? Does That Make You an Evil Abuser?
Desire Healthy Boundaries in Relationships? Does That Make You an Evil Abuser?
Are You Allowed to Have Boundaries? What are your non-negotiables, conditions, and expectations for your partners?
These days people on the internet have something new to argue about. An actor who shall not be named has apparently told his girlfriend of the time that there are things she does that bother him, even hurt his feelings. It would appear that makes him a very bad man. I hear words like oppressor and abuser being thrown around.
Seriously?
Are we no longer allowed to have opinions, preferences, and desires toward particular behavior from our partners? When did that happen, and why didn’t anyone tell me?
This is not a post about the particulars of that relationship. I have no interest in commenting on the private life of others. Their life, their relationship, their business!
However, I will offer some advice from personal experiences and elaborate on why it’s not only a good idea to set boundaries in your relationships but also be honest and upfront about them from the beginning.
As a young buck, I didn’t know any of this. My relationships were filled with jealousy, arguments, resentments, and misunderstandings. I had specific desires and expectations from my girlfriends, and they had theirs about me.
The problem was that neither of us talked about them and yet expected our partners to live up to these ideals! Details are not important; what is important are the lessons derived from these numerous failed relationships.
Once I understood the core principles of good relationships, mine improved beyond belief.
No more arguments. No more misunderstandings. No more jealousy. No more resentments. Love, peace, and harmony reign supreme, just as I like it.
Are you interested to know what those are?
Mind readers and conversation.
I realized that people are not mind readers. Ladies, read this again, please!
We can’t know what our lovers want or absolutely don’t want from us in a relationship unless they tell us.
I know. Such an alien concept, but this is the cornerstone of every successful relationship. Communicate openly! Talk, talk, talk! You know, the thing we do when we’re not banging, watching TV, or ignoring each other!
Notice I said talk, not yell, scream, accuse, vent, or play the victim.
Once your frustration has reached critical mass, it’s already too late. You’ll solve nothing while angry and only make things worse as you throw feces in each other's faces.
Talk before or after an emotional episode; never smack in the middle of it.
You’re not being rational; you’re being emotional. You will solve nothing in this state of heightened emotions, anger, frustration, or sadness. This is not the time for conversations.
Retreat, calm down, collect your thoughts, and only then talk with your partner.
Talk often and openly about everything that means something to you regarding your relationship. Talk to your partner, don’t gossip behind their backs!
This isn’t meant for your emotional support group, but for building a good relationship with your partner! Tell them how you feel and why you feel this way. Help them understand.
Most of the time, what we think or say is not the real problem.
It would be wise to do some soul-searching to discover what is actually bothering you and save you both some trouble. Let’s not lie to each other and make life more difficult than it has to be. You need to know yourself before you can expect others to understand you. Go deep, take your time, and write things down.
Find out what is the root cause of YOUR problem with your partner.
More often than not, if you’re being honest with yourself, you’ll notice that it’s not exclusively their fault.
It might be some old experience that is clouding your judgment. Perhaps it’s something from your previous relationship, and you are now suspicious of your partner.
You could have some old emotional wounds that get triggered by the otherwise innocent actions of another.
It might be something your old partner did that drove you crazy, and when you notice something similar in your new partner, you lose your shit.
It’s probably some of your own insecurities playing tricks on your mind. Maybe you are afraid of being abandoned and have become clingy. Perhaps you have low self-esteem and project it on your partner. You could have noticed looking at other people with lust and are now searching for similar signs in your partner.
Perhaps your partner hasn’t lived up to your expectations. Were they justified? Were they realistic? Did you tell them what they are?
You need to truly understand yourself and why certain things bother you before explaining them to your partner. If you don’t, you’ll just make a mess of it. Know the problem, understand the source of the issue, and explain it in a calm, rational, adult manner to your partner. This is the only way forward.
Honesty and presenting the real you.
Be honest with yourself and your partner. There is no point in wearing a mask at home; it will never work in the long term.
They need to see the real you, and you need to accept them for who they are. If you don’t, you’re living in an illusion. You’re living a lie, and the truth will prevail sooner or later. The mask will fall, and your relationship will end in tears.
The sooner you show your true self, the better. My advice is to be yourself from the beginning. Don’t play games, and don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just so other people will like you more. You’re just lying to them, and that’s no way to start any relationship.
Yes, this will mean you will have a more selective dating experience and might lose a few potential partners that would like the fake you but won’t like the real you. So what? What exactly are you losing here? Except for pain and disappointment in the future.
Boundaries and expectations.
We all have boundaries in our relationships! Every single one of us has non-negotiable conditions. Even if you don’t know them, they’re still there.
You don’t believe me? Let’s test that theory for a second. Are you OK with your partner:
Sleeping around all the time?
Sleeping with your best friend or sibling?
Doing porn and being plastered all over the internet?
Having sexual preferences that are illegal and acting on them?
Using you as a punching bag every time they get frustrated or drunk?
Videotaping your most intimate moments in bed and then selling them?
Being in love with someone else while they sleep with you?
Being married to someone else?
Lying to you all the time?
Prostituting, as in sleeping with other people for money and then sharing your bed?
Being a murderer?
Being a closeted gay, and using you for cover?
Being a test dummy for sexually transmittable diseases?
I know these are extreme examples, but I wanted to illustrate that even your saintly tolerant ass has some boundaries!
If all of the above are acceptable to you, and you have no problem with them, I don’t really know what to say. Good luck with that; you’ll need it - and a god-like therapist because you are broken inside and have no self-respect, morals, or spine.
So now we understand that we all have certain expectations, non-negotiables, boundaries that our partners cannot cross, or it’s game over for us. Even if we wouldn’t leave them immediately, should they cross these boundaries, we would suffer immensely on the inside. We might not respect ourselves enough and have the courage to go it alone in life, but that doesn’t mean we’re not bothered by certain things.
We are all different. We have different experiences, preferences, and desires. You might be OK with something that would be a “hard no” for me, and vice versa. That’s OK. You and I both have that right!
Know thyself!
Make a list of what you expect in your partner and relationship. Don’t focus on the fluffy, superficial things, like blue eyes and a big “khm.” Ask yourself what is important to you in your relationship and life. How do you want to feel and be treated by your lover?
You can’t find the right partner if you don’t even know what you want! And they can’t give you what you want if you don’t tell them!
Explain your expectations, desires, and boundaries at the beginning.
I laid down my non-negotiables very early in the last couple of relationships, in the “getting to know” each other phase.
Why waste each other’s time?
Some were more general, such as that I don’t cheat or tolerate cheating.
This is a non-negotiable for me. I give absolute trust and freedom every time, but if you break that trust, you no longer exist for me. Trust is everything. Lie to me, and I will lose all respect toward you or any desire ever to see you again. It doesn’t help that I am a walking, talking lie detector, either. I know this about myself and always ensure my partners know it too. There will be no playing stupid afterward, claiming ignorance.
I also talked with them about the things that are important to me, such as having a family.
If I want a family (soon) and they don’t, there is no point in getting involved. We can still have some good times, but building anything in the long term would be insanity and torture for both of us.
If you want a happy relationship, don’t skip out on some particulars that might be quirky but mean the world to you. It will only bite you in the ass later on.
Don’t skip learning about their beliefs regarding religion, if that is in any way important to you. I hear dating nowadays includes declaring one’s stand and situation regarding “the vax”. Dios mio, am I glad I’m out of the game! Have fun, you crazy kids!
My special little quirk.
I love traveling on motorcycles, for example. I had no ambition of getting involved with any woman who wouldn’t be interested in sharing that passion with me or, at the very least, being open to giving it a go. Why not?
Because all I wanted to do in my free time was spend it on my motorcycle, exploring the world. I had quit my job, sold my apartment, and went all in on this dream. Going against my nature, denying myself those dreams would only result in resentment. And that’s not fair to either of us. Some were good with this, others weren’t, and that’s OK.
The last girl I went on a first date with had no experience riding motorcycles or traveling. She had never even sat on one before. But she was open to it. A few weeks after we met, we were already on a trip lasting weeks and traveling through multiple countries. She loved it, and I knew she was a keeper and still is. She also understands what she can and cannot expect from me. That makes life much easier for both of us.
Relationships are about compromise.
Nobody is perfect. Not you, and definitely not me. We all have to learn to manage our expectations with our partners, as they are living, breathing beings with their own minds, desires, and lives. Finding a path forward together takes effort.
We all have our own ideas about everything, and very rarely do two people meet that are entirely compatible in everything. Compromise is how we solve this problem. Still, look for common ground in similar passions, because it makes the whole game much easier.
The goal of any relationship should be to make each other's life better by being together.
If we can’t do that, there is no point in any of this. It’s a million times better to be single than in a bad relationship unless you’re a lost little wandering lamb with no confidence, self-respect, or self-love.
Follow through, and respect your partner's boundaries.
None of this will matter unless you are willing to respect each other's boundaries.
If your lover has told you what they absolutely won’t tolerate, and you keep testing their resolve, you’re just being an asshole.
One of my earlier girlfriends was so afraid of jealous boyfriends she insisted that we put our ten non-negotiables in writing.
She had some male friends and was worried I would have a problem with that. I didn’t. Whenever there was any doubt, we dug those lists up and cleared any misunderstandings. I won’t lie, it sounded silly at the time, but it made her feel safe, and I knew exactly what she expected. I also learned why she insisted on these conditions.
When you understand your partner's history, you’ll more easily accept who they’ve become as a result.
I’m not saying you should make a list; just be honest with yourself and your potential lovers. Save both of you some time and pain by being open and transparent about your boundaries and expectations. The sooner, the better!
If there are boundaries in your relationship, and there probably are (silent or vocal), you both need to adhere to them.
It’s just basic mutual respect and personal integrity that seems to have almost disappeared from the face of this planet. When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them! We are all human and fallible to the core, but keeping the consequences of our decisions at the forefront of our minds can help keep us faithful to our deeper values. If you have any, that is.
So, are you a bad person for having expectations and boundaries?
No, it’s not wrong to have boundaries in your relationships. You are allowed to have them. That doesn’t make you a bad person and, least of all, an abuser.
For god’s sake, people! Today anyone will just throw these terms and accusations around like they mean nothing.
You are not obligated to be with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. And no one has to be with you if you don’t care about theirs.
The key here is to communicate with each other.
Let your partner know what you want and expect in your relationship, and listen to them.
If they don’t want to be open about it, this doesn’t mean they don’t have any. Digg deeper. Ask questions. Play with potential scenarios. Don’t wait for problems to arise, having to clean up a mess after the fact. Get in front of things by openly, honestly communicating with each other.
For the love of god, get to know each other really well before starting a family.
Discuss how you imagine family life and what having children will mean for your relationship, hobbies, interests, and non-negotiables. Children complicate things, so we had better cleared the most prominent obstacles out of the way before bringing new life into this world.
If we’re honest with our partners from the beginning, we’re on a good path. It still won’t be effortless, but at least we have a chance!
Things change with time. Relationships and our preferences, desires, needs, and boundaries evolve constantly.
Nobody said relationships are easy! Stay open through the challenges, and communicate with your partner. Talk things through. Don’t argue, scream and blame each other. Talk when you are calm and rational. Explain your position, questions, and issues, and help your partner understand the reasons behind them. Don’t just demand things. Explain why these things are so important to you.
We all sorely lack understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world around us.
That causes a myriad of problems and exploding emotions that would stay dormant had we had more insight. We have all lived different lives, have unique backgrounds, and have individual perspectives on everything.
If we don’t understand this basic premise - that we don’t even see the world, much less each other - in the same way, we will be in conflict for the rest of our lives.
There is only one way to solve this conundrum, by getting to know ourselves better and making an effort to know and understand our partners as well.
What are your non-negotiables? Do you even know?
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