Can't Meditate? Tried and Hated It? - Think Less, Experiment More
Can't Meditate? Tried and Hated It? - Think Less, Experiment More
Meditation is simple and probably isn't what you think it is. Work with your limitations, circumstances, character, mind, and body.
What do you think of when you hear the word “meditation?”
A monk sitting in the lotus position, eyes closed, enjoying the ecstasy of perfect inner tranquility? A smiling Budha? Does the word itself elicit a sense of boredom for you? Have you tried and failed at mediation, and it’s now this bitter memory of the futility of taming your monkey mind? A wasted effort?
I like to think of meditation as finding some separation between myself and my mind and enjoying the inner peace it produces. It opens me up to understanding that frees me from the inner torments of my mind.
I also like to think of meditation as deep thinking. Confusing, I know. One is the absence of thoughts, and the other is deep, active thinking.
Most of my publications are called “NAME + Meditations.” While I often focus on the mind and inner peace, these are not the literal meditations most people associate with the word. In fact, the name was inspired by a great man from our past, a ruler and a philosopher. A rare combo.
Marcus Aurelius wrote for himself daily reminders. He processed his thoughts, emotions, and the world through writing, much like I do. His work was never meant to be public but got published as “Meditations.” It’s not for everyone, but I recommend reading them wholeheartedly.
Meditation can be anything and nothing.
In fact, I lean toward the latter - to experience the nothingness within. A silent mind is the true nirvana. Available to all, at any time and place, but always just out of reach. What wouldn’t we do to have a silent mind?
In truth, we do all sorts of things in search of a little distance from our minds.
We drink, get high, have sex, work out, keep ourselves busy, and even risk our lives. All of these are often merely a chase for that feeling of “aliveness,” the eternal present moment, that eludes us in our normal state. An escape, then. Escape from the mind.
When I was a young man, I “needed” my motorcycle. It was my escape. Riding it was the only way I could be free from my wretched mind, constantly badgering me, always mean, overthinking, plotting, and oppressing. A twist of the throttle, a curvy road - when one hundred percent of my attention is required, the mind is still.
Time stops flowing. I am free! I am here. I am now. If only for a little while - I am free from my mind. And as my mind disappears, so do all my problems (from my consciousness, at least).
There was a problem with my method of escaping the mind. As with all such endeavors, it was about “more.”
More speed, more danger, more violence, more alcohol or drugs. Our body and mind adapt, and the same amount of anything just doesn’t do it for us anymore. We need more!
“Why, oh why, won’t this inner voice just shut up and leave me alone?” we ask ourselves, assuming we understand the source of our issues. Otherwise, we’re still in the early development phase of blaming others, circumstances, and the world for all our troubles.
They are rarely the problem or the cause, only the symptom, the effect.
Our first meditation attempt.
Somewhere along our journey, we decide that meditating would be cool. Let’s give it a try. Perhaps inspired by some article, book, or person, we embark on a journey of exploring the depth of our mind.
Seems rather straightforward, we conclude. We sit, cross our legs, close our eyes, and “meditate.”
What happens next?
The truth is that most give up before anything can happen. So did I the first few dozen times. Meditation is challenging. There are so many rules, positions, and impossible demands. The mind simply won’t be still.
It even seems to have the opposite effect on us. We get agitated, angry, we’re all over the place. “I can’t do it,” we conclude. “It’s just not for me. I must not be normal.”
"Normal" is overrated.
We're all different and must experiment until we find what works for us.
I’ve tried more or less all of the more prevalent forms of mediation. I like some, hate others, and have fallen in love with a few.
Most people struggle with meditation and give up because it can be challenging if our minds and bodies aren’t used to it. We might also have some limitations.
For example, I don’t like and can’t maintain the classical “observe your breath, somewhere at the nose” type of meditation. It irritates me, which is the opposite of the desired effect. I also can’t sit in the classical meditation pose because I feel pain in my back and hips. Never could. If I try, the discomfort is all I can think about.
So, I adapted and experimented until I found what worked for me. I then experimented some more for two decades.
Meditation can be overcomplicated and formulaic.
It doesn’t have to be. It’s not about sitting in a lotus position, humming the “ohm,” or focusing on the breath. It’s also not a practice for the sake of practicing, and it’s not about copying others. It’s most definitely not about religion or faith. At least, it doesn’t have to be.
While there may be different personal goals, the point of meditation is simply to create a little distance between “you” and “your mind.”
To find some peace within. To understand that you can observe the mind and not take it seriously. To train yourself to detach from the mind's overactivity, voices, and images, and with that bit of created space, find inner peace and silence. It helps us understand ourselves, our mind, and, with it, the Universe.
How we get there is irrelevant.
The more often we get there, the easier it gets. What seems impossible in the beginning becomes effortless in time.
If you find visualization difficult, don’t do it.
If you can’t focus on the breath, don’t focus on the breath.
If you can’t sit still, don’t sit.
If you don’t like the religious teachings surrounding meditation, ignore them.
Do you see where I’m going with this? Take what is useful, experiment, and ignore the rest.
My favorite type of meditation - observing the mind.
I have described my favorite process of observing the mind at length in the article:
In short, observing the mind teaches us that we are not our mind.
What it says is not necessarily true, nor is it about us. We don’t have to put up with it. I can find nothing more valuable than this discovery if you want to find a path to happiness, self-love, and inner peace.
Once you see through the illusion of the mind, it loses its power over you. Your new understanding has set you free.
You are not your mind. You are the observer of your mind.
You use your mind as you use your arms. It is a part of you, but not the whole you.
The mind is like an overhyped computer. It’s been programmed throughout our lives, and when we aren’t keeping it busy, it acts on those programs. It rants and spews all the nonsense that the neurons, colored by our beliefs, are firing within.
Our fears, doubts, regrets, and sorrows come flushing to the forefront when we least want to entertain them.
Our mind is often our own worst enemy.
If you had a friend who would talk to you the way your mind does - would you still be friends with them?
If the answer is yes, you have a much nicer mind than I do. Mine would have been unfriended, number deleted, blocked, and canceled. I would have a restraining order against it and guard dogs to keep it away from me. If that didn’t help, it would be a gunfight. But that fucker would not enter my domain ever again. I would stand my ground and exclaim, in the eternal words of Gandalf the Grey: “You shall not pass!”
I could have kept escaping my own mind, like most do, with various vices and activities, but I chose another path.
Confronting your mind directly and seeing it for what it really is.
This “mediation practice” is not a mediation practice at all, even though it looks like one. I think. I don’t like the word “meditation practice.”
It implies this is some sort of workout instead of a profound realization brought about by fearless detachment and firm, unbothered, resisted observation of your inner world.
Here’s a very short, condensed version, but without a deeper understanding, I’m not sure what good it will do, so read this article for more.
Imagine your mind as an empty cinema theater.
Close your eyes and see the empty screen in your mind’s eye. You’re sitting a few rows back and enjoying the show. Whatever the mind is trying to show you, images, sounds, and feelings are all happening on that giant screen in front of you.
They’re not real. It’s just a movie. You know this. You can choose to observe it and get involved with the story, or you can ignore it completely. If you see monsters, you realize they can’t hurt you - it’s just a movie.
For this exercise, you want to distance yourself from the screen and the content being played. You are not your mind. These images and sounds are not some holy truth or your essence.
It’s just random noise being played out by your mind. It doesn’t matter, and you don’t care.
Every time the mind gets ahold of your attention, dragging you along for the ride, notice it, smile, and disengage. Refocus your attention on the blank screen of your mind. Search for emptiness and silence.
If the images are frightening or invoke a strong emotional reaction from you, switch your perspective from the observer in the cinema watching a scary picture on the screen to (one layer back) an observer in the cinema watching another observer (you) in the cinema watching a frightening image on the screen. Go a few perspectives back if the emotion you experience is too strong.
You can label the thoughts the mind produces for you.
Mentally call it by a name, for example: “image,” “sound,” or “fear.” That will distance you from the content of the thought and pull you back into observer mode. It will tell your mind: “Yes, I noticed. No, I don’t care.”
Keep observing, noticing, smiling, and disengaging. You’ll see that it gets significantly easier with practice. The act of observing the mind intentionally will release you from its grip. This is the power of understanding the nature of your mind and your relationship to it.
It will also become glaringly obvious that you have suffered needlessly all of your life, going along with your mind’s imagery and dialogs. No more!
Imagine observing a river.
As you are observing the river, you notice a refrigerator floating by. You could engage with this image by pondering the why, who, and how of that refrigerator in the river. Alternatively, you could allow it to flow by and refocus your attention on observing the river.
Then a large log would float by, and you would notice it, see it for what it is, but again choose to ignore it. You would revert your attention back to the river’s flow, on just being there, by the river, taking a peripheral view, without any particular focus and enjoying your day in nature.
The river constantly tries to grab your attention with random things, as does your mind. But you needn’t engage with it. If you don’t, the river will flow these things past you on its own.
After a while, when you are firmly situated in the seat of awareness, being a non-attached observer of your mind, you will witness a miracle.
The mind will find peace and silence all on its own. Even the most agitated minds seek to be at peace when left alone. The inner programs will eventually run out, and there will be silence, tranquility, and peace like you’ve never experienced before.
I can’t visualize. It doesn’t work for me!
That’s not a problem. Instead of observing your mind, try listening to it. But don’t go along with the sounds or what it is saying. Be vigilant and listen carefully, and when a sound happens, whether from the outside or the inside, label it as “sound” and go back to listening and focusing on the silence within.
You can also do this with feelings or some other sensation if that’s how you operate. Find your own thing. The main goal here is simply to observe, listen, and not engage with the thoughts, sounds, or visuals from your mind. You notice them but aren’t interested in following them.
Notice, label, let go, and refocus.
Keep at it, and sooner or later, the mind will calm down. You never know. It might just give you a few moments of tranquility and silence you’ve been craving.
Ask your mind - who’s talking in there? Who is this?
And then wait for an answer, entirely focused on the inner voice, or lack thereof. It’s a lovely shortcut you can use anytime you notice your mind is talking without your permission, especially if you dislike what it says. Make sure you’re not the one answering this question. That would defeat the purpose. Just listen, do nothing else.
When you challenge the inner voice by asking it - “Who are you?” you will naturally receive silence. Don’t worry. There is no one else in there. It’s just random noise you’ve been allowing to ruin your mood, happiness, and life on occasion.
The more you practice, the more you will be able to automatically notice when your mind is spewing nonsense in your head.
Before, you just sort of went along, believing you had no choice and getting all tangled in your head. Everything your mind served you felt important and true. You took it personally and allowed it to manipulate your emotional state. Now you know better, and you also know how to break free from your mind.
You no longer need the drugs, alcohol, adrenaline, or entertainment, two-legged or otherwise. Now, you can break away from your mind and create a separation in your head. And with it, you now have peace and silence on demand. The ultimate goal of meditation has been achieved unless you have some other goal in mind, of course. There are no wrong answers in mediation.
While meditation does get easier, it's not a permanent fix.
It will help you, especially understanding your mind and your relationship, but it will not guarantee you lasting inner silence. I’m afraid I have yet to find anything that does - this side of a lobotomy. And even that’s not guaranteed.
Try out different meditation techniques, play with them, and experiment.
We’re all different. There is no “normal.” We need to find what suits us personally. I pestered Artificial Intelligence, which I sometimes use to pick humanity’s collective brains, to find the most widely practiced meditation approaches. We settled on 22. You can find them here: 22 Meditation and Mindfulness Practices: A Journey into Meditation.
If you have yet to find something you like and feel comfortable doing, I suggest you try many different approaches. Stick with each one for a few weeks to give it a fair shot. Make it a daily ritual - form a habit. One more warning when it comes to meditation:
Expect nothing!
Expectations are a problem in mediation and in life. While setting intentions for any practice is fine, albeit unnecessary, expecting some specific experience is detrimental.
First of all, what would you even expect? How would you know you have achieved it? I’m fairly certain you might be expecting too much, to be honest.
Expecting something from our meditation makes it almost impossible to achieve it unless our expectations are rooted in experience.
Even the most experienced meditators often encounter days when they can’t turn their minds off but just don’t care. There is always tomorrow. Nothing was lost.
Sometimes, when we least expect it, we will have these profound experiences and revelations during our mediation. It can be a sense of oneness and interconnectedness. It could be an indescribable peace, long awaited clarity, or something else entirely. There are infinite stories from meditators, as diverse as the people themselves.
Expect nothing, show up, do the task, and just be there.
Rense and repeat as often as you can. It’s not a race but a marathon. You will get better with time. You will find what works for you. You will be more at peace and happier. You will benefit from playing around with meditation if you stick with it. But not on your first try, and not right now.
And lighten up, will you?
Meditation is fun, not some morbid exercise routine you hate. If it is, you’re doing it wrong! When done right, you will crave this moment of inner silence and a sense of timeless tranquility. You’ll know when you get there.
Until then, experiment, expect nothing, and I’ll see you on the other side.
"We rise by lifting others." — Robert Ingersoll
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