Dealing With Angry Clients? Always Remember - It's Not Personal
Customer Support Agents, Lesson Nr. 1: If somebody is being a jerk, it's not about you. It's about them!
Dealing with clients can be challenging, especially when you’re on the receiving end of negative feedback. Understanding the following concept will make working with clients much less stressful. It’s a true game-changer.
The key is to take nothing personally!
Today, I want to talk to all who deal with angry clients and experience difficulty processing the negativity. Like it or not, when you’re a verbal pinata and keep getting bashed over the head for things you had nothing to do with, it can take you to a dark place.
Imagine you're in a role where you interact with clients daily, especially in sales, customer support, cold calling, or reclamation. Here's one thing you need to understand very clearly:
It’s not about you personally, so don’t take it personally!
If you knew that the angry customer was going through a very difficult time in their life, you wouldn't feel anger but compassion.
The customer is frustrated, disappointed, or enraged because:
The products or service was different from what they expected; perhaps it malfunctioned, or they encountered problems. Something is factually wrong with your company's product or service.
They have had a bad day, and you just happen to have been on the receiving end of their frustration. Sometimes, people need to vent, and the easiest thing is to call the free line and yell at somebody who’s not allowed to shout back.
They have a problem they can’t solve, like a technical issue, or perhaps they lack appropriate knowledge and struggle to set something up.
Look at these three generalized situations and tell me how any of that is your fault.
I’m waiting. You can’t, can you? That’s because unless you caused the issue, which can happen, especially in the service industry, none of it is your fault.
Even if you have done something wrong and made a mistake, there is no reason to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes.
Find a way to make it right, fix what you can, and move on. If you are active and are doing things, you will inevitably make mistakes. Own them, and do the best you can to remedy the situation. But other than that, let it be, and move on!
In most cases, the anger of the person on the other side of the phone, the counter, or an email will have nothing to do with you. You’re there to listen, figure out the real problem (often not what the client says), and help them solve it. Ungrateful as they may sometimes be. That is not your problem, but theirs!
Imagine a scenario when someone yells these exact words to you:
“F*** you, you are a horrible person! I’m so angry at you. I want to talk to your boss. You’re going to lose your job!”
I’ve heard that exact statement dozens of times, and so has anyone who works with people. People are assholes. It’s just a fact of life. Don’t let it get to you.
This type of conversation includes all three attacks:
Profanity.
Threat.
Blame.
It also causes you to feel:
Angry.
Fearful.
Sad.
There are three general ways in which people tend to react to being on the receiving end of such a rant (on a variety of levels):
They yell back and get into a verbal battle.
They absorb that hate, succumb to fear, and break down internally.
They ignore the words, pretend to listen and go on with their normal day as if nothing happened.
Which one do you want to be?
While the statement, the rant, says more about the person screaming it than you or the situation at hand, your reaction says everything about you and only you. That is an important distinction. Your reaction to it is also the only thing you control, but more on that later.
If you get angry, you probably feel confident and proud but ego-driven.
You took it personally, prompting you to fight for your honor. That person is being a jerk, and jerks must be put in their place. This confidence, though, is a false confidence. A genuinely confident person would know none of that is true and realize it’s not worth arguing about. He just wouldn’t care.
If you felt hurt and personally attacked, you might also be afraid for your job.
You believe you are incapable, unworthy of it, on some level. You might struggle with a lack of confidence, a poor self-image, and perhaps have a shitty boss who you doubt will have your back. Note to bosses - always have your people’s back! These words hurt but can only hurt you if you let them. If you give (and you’re the one giving) them power over you. You believe those words on some level. That is why they hurt.
If you couldn't care less and can continue your daily tasks as the person on the other end of the line is losing his mind, you’re a battle-hardened professional.
It’s not an ego thing but a knowledge one. You understand that hearing people vent is part of your job, and don’t take it personally. How they feel, express themselves, and what they say when being rude has nothing to do with you. You don’t get triggered. You don’t respond. You don’t lower yourself to their level or cry yourself to sleep. It’s a non-event.
You might even laugh at it, but please do it silently. Kindness will destroy such a person and enrage them to oblivion, but laughter will cause them to go on a violent rampage. They already feel powerless, or else they wouldn’t make such statements. There’s no need to be cruel. When you reach a phase of not caring and taking things personally, it can be a challenge not to laugh as people act like feral children, trying to provoke a reaction out of you. Be mature, and hit the mute button if you can’t hold the laughter!
I’ve heard some objections to not caring and just letting people rant on without confronting them.
People tell me that you don’t have to listen to such verbal violence as they are offensive. I get it. I do. You feel that your honor is at stake and that someone must teach them manners. Maybe they do need to be taught a lesson in communication. However, you’re on the job, and this isn’t the street.
We are professionals and don’t solve things by confrontation or adding to the fire. We solve them by deescalating conflict, finding common ground and understanding, and solving problems. We are here to find the optimal solution for both the company we work for and the customer.
If there is one thing that might actually get you fired, it is getting into word battles with clients and insulting them! I know it sucks to be exclusively on the receiving end, but that is unfortunately the job. It comes with the territory.
Besides, let's be honest here:
You’re not teaching anyone anything; people won’t change because you tell them they’re being jerks. It’s just not happening.
It is not your responsibility to educate people on common decency and communication.
When people are angry, there is no way to talk to them rationally. First, they need to calm down, and then they might just realize they were being rude by themselves.
We will talk about how to respond to such behavior and de-escalate situations some other time, so subscribe. You don’t want to miss that.
In this post, I want our focus on teaching you to take none of that personally. When you truly understand that, you won’t feel the need to correct, teach, or demand apologies from anyone anymore. You won’t care because you will understand it’s not about you.
Imagine three different people yelling a similar statement at you:
“F*** you! I hate you! You’re a disgusting human being!” (example)
The first one is a client on the phone, calling about some issue they have about a product your company sells.
The second is your good friend, whose opinion you value and whom you love dearly. Perhaps even your lover or your superior.
The third is some drunk, drugged-up, dirty jerk on the side of the road who yells at everyone and spits nonsense all the time. You don’t know them and perhaps feel they have severe mental issues.
Is there a difference in how you would perceive that same statement from these three people?
There is, right? Why is that? Why would one person saying that same statement hurt you more than another? Think about this for a moment and try to imagine it.
How do you perceive a client yelling profanity at you and threatening you?
Imagine a stick with two ends. On one end is a dear friend; on the other, the drunk, mentally unfit stranger screaming on the street.
Where on that stick would you draw how you feel when a client verbally attacks you? Nearer to a dear friend in emotional impact or nearer a drunk stranger in the street?
My goal in writing this post is to move “how you perceive” a ranting customer’s hurtful words from the side of the stick, representing how you would feel if a friend said those things (you are hurt) to the side, representing a ranting stranger on the street (you don't care).
I feel I need to make something clear. I used a mentally challenged drunk or drug user on the street imagery not to imply they’re worthless but to illustrate that their ranting is a product of their mental state and their problems, not yours. You don’t get angry at such a person. Scared perhaps, but not angry, because you understand that they don’t mean what they say and are not at their best at the moment. They’re not talking about you, as they don’t know you. You might even feel empathy and compassion for them. We can all end up with mental issues, addictions, and even on the street.
When you meet such a person on the street, your reaction is not, “What did you say?! You wanna fight? F*** you!” and go into screaming battles with them.
Why not?
Why don’t you feel personally attacked and take it to heart?
That’s right - because you understand the situation!
Once you understand that most people
fight inner battles they tell no one about,
are often severely emotionally unstable, hurt, or feel powerless,
you will be able to look at your ranting customers with the same compassion and empathy as you would a homeless drunk on the street. You will also be free from taking anything they say personally, as you will realize it has nothing to do with you.
It’s normal to call the customer support line, file a complaint, ask questions, and inform them of a problem. That is what they’re there for, besides offering information.
It is not normal to yell at strangers on the other end of the line, calling them names and being mean to them.
That is no longer about their problem with the product or service but a different kind of problem - a problem that has nothing to do with you!
Imagine John, who just now found out his wife has been cheating on him with his best friend.
When he tries to call him, to confront him, he can’t get through. There is no connection. In his rage, he calls the phone company's support line and vents his frustration on the first unfortunate person who answers the phone. This is an extreme example, to be sure, but I hope you’re getting the picture now.
John wasn’t angry at the customer support agent, although he’s yelling at him now.
The customer support agent didn’t deserve to be yelled at and didn’t cause Johns's problems.
There is no need to get personal, as one has nothing to do with the other.
If you knew that the angry customer was going through such a difficult time, you wouldn’t feel anger but compassion. Right?
Every time you encounter a raging person on the other side, assume they’re going through something difficult.
Happy people don’t go around making other people miserable. They just don’t! Realize that you don’t know what is happening with that person, but whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you.
Once you genuinely, completely, and deeply understand this, no angry, nasty, rude customer will ever get to you emotionally. You will be able to continue having a normal conversation (from your side), stay calm and relaxed, and the end result will be far more successful. It will also severely lower the stress you perceive in your work and make it more sustainable in the long run.
Put a post-it note on your monitor reminding you that you don’t know what the other person is going through and that whatever is causing their negative behavior has nothing to do with you. I’m serious. We all need this reminder from time to time.
I’ll talk about how to communicate with problematic, erratic, and even violent people in the future, so make sure you subscribe. You don’t want to miss any of it!
If you’ve never worked with angry clients, you have no idea what customer support agents and other personnel on the first commercial battle lines have to deal with daily. Trolls don’t only live on the internet.
Please be kind in your next communication. Always remember that the person on the phone most likely had nothing to do with why you feel angry and frustrated and is there to help you. Treat them like human beings, and you will, in kind, receive a much better service.
The old adage to treat others as you would want to be treated still holds!
Be well, friends.
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