Dear Daughter - Never Complain

Let's talk about this nasty habit of complaining, its causes and consequences.

“Don’t be overheard complaining…Not even to yourself.”  — Marcus Aurelius

Dear daughter,

I write this letter to you in the middle of the night, as you simply won't let me sleep. You’re going through a weird phase where all you seem to do is complain, whine, and nervously shake until you eventually burst into a climax of crying and hauling. Fun times. And you aren’t even three years old yet. 

You complain when something isn’t exactly as you imagined it to be. You complain when your mother isn’t at your arm's reach. You complain and whine before you fall asleep, and you complain and whine when you wake up. 

We have no idea what is going on. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not sick, you’re not in pain, you’re just constantly dissatisfied. It’s driving your mother and me insane.

So, as I stare at my screen at four in the morning, I feel like talking to the future you about this ugly habit of yours. I’m sure that this phase will pass. Sooner or later, we’ll either figure out what’s actually bothering you, or you’ll just outgrow this annoying phase. (it was the latter)

None of us have perfect lives, no matter what one might think. 

Everyone has reasons to complain or, on the other hand, to be grateful. Life is life. It is an imperfect mess, but it is the only one we have, as far as we can tell. 

You can spend your life focused on your problems, on what isn’t perfect, on what you don’t like, or you can focus on the good. That choice is and will forever remain solely in your hands. This choice constitutes the difference between the perception and experience of a good, happy life and an unhappy one.

Circumstances have little to nothing to do with your perceived happiness in life. 

Yes, it’s better to be happily in love and to have enough of everything, but there are happy and miserable people on both ends. Happiness has nothing to do with outside circumstances, only with your mind. If you train your mind to be a habitual worrier, look for problems, and focus on the bad in every situation, you’ll live a miserable life, and no one will ever be able to help you.

There is this immense appeal to whining and complaining, being the victim. It makes one feel justified in complaining, and for some silly, unconscious reason, we like to play the role of the victim. We like to be comforted. We like to be vindicated in our sorrows.

Complaining is easy. We like to talk to people who complain about the same things we do. Misery likes company.

Do you know who doesn’t like people who complain and focus on problems? Happy people. 

If you want to be happy, meet happy people, and have happy relationships and life experiences, you must join the club. Happy doesn’t like unhappy. It’s repealed by it. 

If you are focused on the negative in everything and everyone, you will see more negativity in your life. It will show up everywhere. Your life will only get worse and worse, never better. Your relationships will deteriorate, as will the rest of your life. 

It’s a downward spiral you don’t want to be on. If you ever catch yourself riding this wave of negativity, get off as soon as possible. It only leads in one direction—the one you don’t want to follow.

Count your blessings, not your problems. Focus on what is good, not bad. 

There is plenty of both in every situation, person, and thing. Your focus will determine what you notice, how much something bothers you, and if you experience things as generally good or bad. Your happiness depends on this general outlook on life. No person is perfect, no situation or thing either. 

Training your mind is the hardest of all training. 

Especially writing over hardened patterns and habits. But it's not impossible and so worth the trouble! You have to give it time. Persistence is key here. You’ve spent decades building certain habits. You can’t expect them to disappear overnight.

Before you retrain your mind and attempt to cultivate a happier mind with a brighter outlook, you need to understand the importance of it all. Think long and hard about what makes a happy life. Examine people you know and focus on those who are happy and satisfied with their lives. 

• What are their habits? 

• What words do they use? 

• How do they think about everything? 

• Do they complain? 

• Do they play the victim? 

• Do they whine? 

• Do they focus on the bad in their life?

A happy person will be a happy, rich person or a happy, broke person. A miserable person will remain miserable, even with millions in their bank account.

A happy person will be happy, either single or in a relationship, while an unhappy person will always remain unhappy, regardless of his relationship status.

All of the outside circumstances we believe to constitute happiness in people are irrelevant. 

If you are a negative, unhappy person, don’t wait for some knight in shining armor to come and save you. No lover, child, job, or money will ever make you happy if you have an unhappy mind. Instead, you will either attract more miserable people and situations into your life or infect good things with your negativity, destroying any hope of happiness.

Think and write about all the things you are thankful for. 

If you want to change this habit of negativity and complaining, you can start with the simplest exercise and make it your daily activity. Do it as often as possible and set up a schedule so that it becomes a habit and you don’t forget to count your blessings daily.

I realize it’s a cliche, but it works! I do it all the time. It never fails to refocus me on the good in my life, and I always feel better as a result. It also compounds the more you do it.

Start with the first things that come to mind, and keep going. The more things you can list, the better. If you can, try to really feel your heartfelt gratitude and appreciation for them. Give them all the love they deserve.

Think and write about:

• What are you presently thankful for in your life?
  (your health, partner, family, that you are alive, safe, job, friend, pleasant experience, any big and small thing…)

• What are the “normal” that you appreciate every day?
  (warm water to shower with, having someone in your bed, a safe home, food in the fridge, electricity, internet…)

• What are you looking forward to?
  (especially small things, like seeing someone you like, the morning coffee, walking your dog, seeing a new movie…)

Thinking and writing about all the good in your life will get you started, but it’s not enough if you spend the rest of the day focusing on problems and the negative. You need to take control of your mind and, with it, your life. 

“Think of what you have rather than of what you lack. Of the things you have, select the best and then reflect how eagerly you would have sought them if you did not have them.” Marcus Aurelius

Do more things that make you happy. 

Take the time for your loved ones. Work out, meditate, ride your bike, take long walks, read books, and dance. Do the things that make you feel good, and do them more often. Find the little daily joys that bring a smile to your face.

Remember, the small things constitute a happy life, not some grand things or circumstances. Take some time every day, just for yourself. You need your “me time.”

You deserve to be happy! 

No one else can give happiness to you. Only you can. You have to realize what I’ve been telling you your whole life. 

• You deserve all the best in life. 

• You deserve happiness. 

• You deserve to have all the things you want. 

• You deserve the best relationship and wonderful people who love, respect and accept you. 

• You deserve to feel good. 

Once you realize this for yourself and believe it, life will reward you abundantly. You can’t be negative and whiny and expect good things to happen, somehow “making” you happy. Darling, it just doesn’t work this way. 

You have to become the change you want to see in the world. 

You can start by focusing on more light, love, and positives. Give out compliments, do nice things for yourself and others, and give more love to this world. Life will reflect those back at you. 

What happens when you only focus on the problems, misery, suffering, and darkness? You amplify it in your life one way or another. There doesn’t have to be any magical thinking here. It’s not rocket science. 

If you are struggling with focusing on the good in your life and are committed to changing how you think, try saying the mantra: “Thank you” or “I love you” over and over throughout your day. Every day, until it almost becomes a background noise that your mind sings to you. 

The key to happiness is focusing on the good and accepting the bad without giving it too much attention. 

We don’t need much for a happy life. It all depends on our minds, not outside circumstances. They can help, sure, but they are the least important factor. Happiness is a choice - and so is complaining. Choose wisely.

I love you, dad.

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