Do You Hate Receiving Gifts?
I always felt uncomfortable receiving gifts or compliments. Here’s how to deal with it.
I already wrote about how much I hate birthdays, namely my own. Today, I wanted to talk about the issue some of us have with receiving gifts. Seems rather timely, given the season we’re in. I have done the work and reframed receiving gifts, so I no longer have such a problem. May it help you as well.
Only a few years ago, I would get a knot in my stomach when someone wanted to give me something - a gift or a compliment. It made me feel instantly uncomfortable and defensive.
I’ve since detected three major problems with being bad at receiving gifts. Let’s break them down.
The principle of reciprocity.
Believing that someone will be less off for gifting you something.
Feeling unworthy of love.
The principle of reciprocity
Reciprocity is a nonverbal contract between two people when someone gives something to the other, and the receiver then feels obligated to return the favor.
It’s one of the cornerstones of good relationships unless it’s abused. Most often, we’re on the receiving end of emotional extorsion, which is what this is when used intentionally, from people trying to sell us something or make us do their bidding. It’s hardly rare in intimate relationships, as well. I give you a little something, expecting you’ll reciprocate me in another way. Wink, wink.
As a propaganda or marketing tool, it works wonders. Companies will give you free stuff or validate you, making it feel like they’re doing you a favor because they know you’ll feel obligated to return it. It’s a cheap and simple way to gain new customers. When a salesperson gives you a small, insignificant gift, you automatically feel more affection toward them. When purchasing something, you will be subconsciously led to buy things from them and not the competitors. When it’s done in good faith, it’s the least problematic marketing tool, but it’s often abused.
When we receive a gift from a stranger or a friend, we feel obligated to return the favor. To give them something of at least equal value. If we’re unable to or uncomfortable in this transaction, we may feel pain in receiving gifts, even from the best of friends or family.
While being generous seems like a bran-free way of showing love for someone, it can backfire. The other person might feel like they owe you or that they can’t possibly repay you, so they could begin avoiding you. Your relationship can change for the worse despite good intentions. You don’t like seeing people you feel you owe something, do you? Neither do I, so I refuse to put myself in those situations.
So, how does one alleviate this feeling of owing and the pressure of reciprocity?
In two ways. When discussing non-benevolent gifting, we can recognize the game being played. The game is “I’m giving you something because I’m counting on you doing something for me. I'll give you this chocolate so you’ll buy my car. I give you flowers, you donate something to my cause.”
Acknowledge it as intentional emotional blackmail and manipulation, and you’ll immediately be free of feeling the need to reciprocate. When you recognize the intent behind the gift, you are freed from the pressure the gifters were trying to impose on you.
Remember those shameless people who always eat and take everything at the promotional stands with zero guilt? They’ve figured out the game and have lost all impulse for reciprocation.
If you delve deeper into how the principle of reciprocity is being used to manipulate you in your everyday life, you will be free from its grip. Furthermore, you’ll start seeing it everywhere. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it, and it loses all power over you.
As for the second kind, the benevolent gifts made out of love and affection, I suggest a different mental reframe.
Mental reframe of receiving gifts
Reframe believing that someone will be less off for gifting you something into recognizing that it gives them pleasure. They will be more, not less. It’s the truth.
Gifts given of free will are one of the greatest pleasures imaginable. You may think it’s fun to receive money, but wait until you see just how rewarding it is to give money and see the shine of gratitude in people’s eyes. It’s incomparable. Giving is way more rewarding than receiving.
Even in mundane things like sex. When you receive the pleasure, it’s fun, but when you observe the other person losing their mind with lust and ecstasy, it’s an entirely different experience. Joy times a hundred!
Reframe receiving gifts from:
This person is losing something by giving me this gift to
This person is receiving joy and happiness from giving me this gift.
Refusing to accept a gift denies them the pleasure and joy of the act itself. You’re not doing them any favors. You’re insulting and rejecting them. Again, this is key when the gift is made out of love and joy, not as a way to manipulate you.
Even if the other person doesn’t have all that much to give, do not deny them the joy of giving. Accept their gift and thank them. It will make their day and make them feel better about themselves. This is your gift to them.
Feeling unworthy of love
Last but not least, let’s look within. Some people have no problem receiving expensive gifts, or a lot of attention, compliments, and so on. They believe they deserve it, and it only validates their inner beliefs when they receive those things. They are good enough. They deserve love and attention. They are worthy.
If you don’t share that self-belief, receiving attention, love, compliments, or gifts will be highly unpleasant for you. Something akin to torture, in fact. I would know. I’m one of you.
I have a friend who always showers everyone, myself included, with compliments. When you listen to him, it’s like he’s talking about some uber-human of almost supernatural abilities—certainly nothing like how you feel about yourself.
This creates an inner conflict. It feels fake. Like lies. Why is he saying these nice things about me? What does he want? Where’s the catch? You feel uncomfortable and want to hide under the table, especially if it’s done in front of other people.
Whether that person does it because that’s just who he is and they genuinely see you in such a positive light or if they’re just trained in the art of communication and emotional manipulation is irrelevant. The issue is not with them but with us.
You will feel the temptation to run away or argue their points and reject their gift in essence. Don’t. Instead, embrace the game. This is one of those times when reciprocity is a good thing. Return the favor and shower them with compliments. We could all do with a few more compliments in our lives and people who believe in us.
We are blessed when just one person sees the good in us when we ourselves don’t. It is priceless, and we should cherish it. It’s also a great habit to form - showering people with compliments. It focuses our attention on searching for the good in people and striving to make them happier.
When someone gives us 10 dollars, let’s say by buying us a drink, most don’t have a problem with that. Right? But what happens when they offer to buy us a car? A house? Give us a million dollars? It’s not the same anymore. Some of us will feel inadequate and unworthy of such a gift. Again, we’re assuming love and affection, not manipulation here.
Would you be able to accept a million dollars from your parents? Probably. Right? How about from your lover? That will depend on a myriad of factors. A friend? A stranger on the street?
I don’t think many of us would be able to take some insane amount of money or a precious gift from our friends without feeling guilty like we owe them or are being manipulated somehow. That can carry heavy implications for any relationship. I’ve seen a lot of friendships be ruined by such benevolent and well-meaning acts.
If you have a wealthy friend and he gives you a new house, you know there will be no way you can ever repay him. It will forever bind you to that person with a sense of some deep-seated feeling of debt and gratitude. Even if they hardly noticed the outflow of money.
If you had felt that you earned that money (working, teaching, selling, building, investing…), you wouldn’t have such a problem, would you?
When people make too much money in a short amount of time, something in their subconsciousness forces them to give it back. They will make uncharacteristic mistakes, gamble, or find another way to revert their net worth back to an amount they believe they deserve or are worth.
I’ve felt this myself as well. I once made a yearly salary in only a month, but I wasn’t ready. Sure enough, I gave it all back with the most stupid choices possible. And it wasn’t the only instance by far.
In short, if you feel uncomfortable receiving compliments, attention, or gifts from loved ones, you have some work to do on yourself. Find a way to love, forgive, and accept yourself. Then, build your self-love and self-worth ever higher and higher. Let’s do it together. God knows I am severely lacking in this department as well.
Repeat after me:
I love and accept myself completely!
I am enough! I am good enough!
I am worthy! I deserve the best!
May you be showered with gifts and receive them joyfully because you know you deserve them, and the one giving them is better for it as well.
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This is why I don't buy gifts for people, except for my daughter. I won't play their games.