Forgive Everyone Everything, and Forgive Yourself
Happiness Manual - Chapter 8: You cannot be at peace and happy while resenting someone —or, worse yet, yourself.
This is chapter 8 of a 13-part Happiness Manual. Subscribe, as there is more to come!
“They don’t deserve my forgiveness!”
Forgiveness is a huge issue for so many people. We are always reluctant to forgive others because we believe they don’t deserve it.
I agree! But it’s not about them at all. It never was. It’s about YOU. Only you!
YOU deserve it
Forgive other people because you are no longer under any obligation to drag that horrible situation, filled with emotional baggage, with you into the future!
You don’t forgive people to make them feel better.
You do it because YOU will feel better afterward.
It has nothing to do with them!
They never have to know. It’ll be our little secret. Fuck them! I want YOU to be happy!
There is zero reason to keep holding onto resentment and hate for something that happened in the past, which doesn’t mean there are no consequences for people’s actions! The two have nothing to do with each other.
Forgive everyone
Yes, everyone. Even the worst of the worst offenders, rapists, murderers, cheaters, thieves, adulterers, abandoners, all of them! There are no exceptions to this rule.
Forgive everything
Yes, everything. Even for the worst imaginable offences. Forgive, and let go. There is no need to relieve them or drag them into your future. There are no exceptions to this rule.
Let me ask you something
What exactly do you think is happening to a person when you resent them?
Does your resentment hurt them physically, mentally, or emotionally?
Are they rolling in bed, burning on the inside, as you express your resentment toward them from afar?
Are you cursing them and somehow sending the hounds from hell to bite them in the ass?
Does it punish them for their crimes?
The truth is, they don’t care how you feel, but you do
Let’s test this. Imagine there’s a person out there who hates your guts. You did something to them, willingly or by accident, and they resent you for it.
They sit at home, thinking passionately about how much they despise you. They keep reliving the words you said to them, and it hurts them deeply. They feel horrible as they dwell with rage in their veins. This goes on for years, even decades. They can’t move on because they're unwilling to forgive you.
How does that affect you?
Do you even know what’s going on?
If they aren’t calling you every day, telling you how much they hate you, does it even matter?
Think about it this way:
If they suddenly forgave you with all their heart, but wouldn’t tell you - what has changed for you, as the object of their resentment, now forgiveness?
The answer is that nothing has changed. Their hating you had nothing to do with you, and their forgiveness has nothing to do with you, either. Can you see where I’m going with this?
Your resentments only ever hurt you, never anyone else
You can forgive others and still not let them back into your life.
You can let go of the offense or crime and, while doing so, still learn the lesson it taught you.
You can forgive them, and still lock them in jail (literal or figurative) and throw away the key.
They don’t have to know. You don’t have to forgive them in person. Fuck ‘em!
Resentment is terrible for your health—mental and physical!
Your life may depend on your ability to forgive.
You know how resentment and anger eat you up inside?
What does cancer do, again?
“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at another; you burn only yourself.”
Forgive yourself
Shit happens, people disappoint. That’s just a part of life. We all make mistakes. All you can do is let whatever happened go and free yourself from the situation or the person. Cut the invisible emotional tie, and move on with your life.
It’s no different when you resent yourself
You can’t change the past. What happened, happened. You can’t take it back, no matter how much you desire to.
You can, however, apologize.
You can try to fix what you broke.
You can try better next time.
The other person can choose to forgive or not. That part is not up to you.
What is in your control is whether you forgive yourself. Most of the time, what we resent ourselves about has only to do with us, anyway.
When you forgive yourself, you’re not saying that you are not at fault
You are still taking responsibility for your past actions. By forgiving yourself, you are simply FREEING yourself from the EMOTION of regret and attachment to the past mistake.
You are releasing what was, so that something new can come into your life.
You are releasing old energies and opening yourself up to new ones.
You are accepting what happened and deciding to move on, as that is all that you can do, anyway.
Exercise for the week ahead
Make a list of everyone you feel any resentment or anger toward. Write it down, citing the reasons for your resentment. Find a way, any way, to forgive them.
Make a list of everything you feel guilty for, everything you still obsess over, anything you haven’t been able to let go of, and that was your fault. Reframe things, accept what happened, promise to do better next time. Do whatever it takes to release yourself from the emotional attachment to the situation.
You’ll know you’re done when you feel no emotional pain, anger, or attachment to the situation or the person in question. When you can sincerely wish them well, in your mind, and let the whole thing go. When you think of them or the situation, and you no longer feel any sensation or reaction in your body.
Forgiveness visualization:
Close your eyes and imagine the person you wish to forgive on a stage inside a theater. You can imagine them anywhere. Just shine your attention on them. Focus and see their face, hear their voice, and know they are there.
Tell them what they did and how it made you feel. Tell them everything you want or need to say. Only you know what that is. Spill your guts. This is your chance.
Tell them that you forgive them. Completely. Sincerely. Repeat this part for as long as it takes to feel relief in your feelings toward this person. You’ll know when you get there.
Before you let them go, sincerely wish them luck in their life, and mean it. Tell them you hope they treat others better than they treated you. If you can, wish them never to have to feel what you felt because of them.
Now imagine seeing a rope connecting you. Cut that rope and let them fly into the distance, out of your sight, out of your mind, and out of your heart.
Take a deep breath and feel the relief of letting them go. It is done! It will feel like someone just removed their foot from your chest or shoulders. A burden was lifted. You did it.
Forgiveness letter:
Write a letter to the person you are forgiving. This included you.
Tell them everything you want to, and in the end, forgive them, as in the above visualization. It can be short or long.
What matters is how you feel after you are done—relief, peace, love, indifference, and a sense of completion. You’ll know when you’re done.
Coming soon
Chapter 9 of the Happiness Manual - Deal with your issues - face your demons head-on. See you soon!