Friendly Advice - Don’t Sleep in the Same Room as Your Baby
Friendly Advice - Don’t Sleep in the Same Room as Your Baby
Sleep is important, for the parents and the baby. Let's talk.
I suppose this is a slightly controversial opinion, but it’s one of the basics if you want a pleasant parenthood experience. Sleep is not only important. It’s the most crucial external factor in determining your energy, mood, and health. Mental or otherwise. Screw up on this point, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to suffer immensely as a parent of a young child.
The first rule of being a good parent is the one most people seem to forget entirely. In order to be a good parent and a role model to your child, you have to be happy, strong, healthy, and whole yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, dear friend. You also can’t teach your kids what a good life looks like if you deny it to yourself.
First and foremost, always take care of yourself and your relationship with your partner.
Kids grow up more or less on their own. They’ll remember and absorb who you are and how you treat yourself and your partner much more than what you say to them. Then, they will spend their entire lives repeating your patterns of behavior. Many parents I know believe that sacrificing themselves completely, along with everything that made them happy and who they are, is a good thing. It’s not!
Yes, we all have to make compromises as we become parents. That much is inevitable. We should never completely ignore our desires and needs, though! Why not? Because you will be miserable and depressed, and you’ll spend most of your time feeling sorry for yourself (consciously or subconsciously) while blaming your partner, parenthood itself, or your children for your misery. When, in fact, the fault is yours and yours alone!
My advice, take or leave it, is that you move your baby out of your bedroom as soon as humanly possible.
And I mean this literally. We did it after about ten days. Just enough for my girlfriend to regain her strength and find peace of mind regarding the baby.
Becoming a parent is a scary disposition, especially if you spend a lot of time on the internet, reading about everything that can go wrong. Don’t do that! I mean it. Clear your mind of any and all negative possibilities regarding your child and envision only good ones. If the problem arises, you’ll deal with it then and only then. Until such a time, assume all is and will remain well with your baby. This is definitely rule number one of happy parenthood.
Why you shouldn’t sleep in the same room, or even worse, in the same bed as your baby:
You will hear every little sound, turn, burp, and squeak from the baby. And let me tell you, babies and small children especially don’t sleep silently. They make all sorts of sounds and toss around in bed as they grow constantly. While that is normal, it will prevent you from sleeping. You need sleep, dear friend.
The same is true for the baby. If they sleep next to you, they will sleep a lot worse in the end. We all need peace and quiet as we sleep. Let’s give it to each other. We’ll be much healthier and happier if we sleep well. Trust me, you don’t want a baby or toddler who hasn’t slept a whole night in years!
The sooner you move your baby or toddler to their own room, the easier the transition will be. The later you attempt to make this transition, the more they will fight it, scream, cry, and beg you otherwise. It’s not that sleeping in their room is difficult for them. It’s just that they will insist on the easy path - being next to their mothers. They’re used to it, and they don’t like change. Change is scary. If sleeping in their own room is all they know, they will accept that as normal and right, saving you from monumental headaches in the future.
With your baby (or toddler, small child) sleeping in their separate beds, you and your partner will be able to live as lovers again. I know that’s not something you’re thinking about at the moment, but if you’re sleeping with your baby, you’re not “sleeping” with your partner. Guess what happens when you neglect that part of your relationship?
Having your baby sleep in their own room does come with some drawbacks, of course.
But I believe they are well worth the benefits.
It will initially be more tiresome for the mother, as she has to get up from the comfort of her bed and feed or comfort her baby. In the very beginning, that’s at least three-night visits, but in time, unless something is wrong, this goes down significantly. Most fresh mothers give in to their laziness and prefer to just roll their babies from the adjacent crib onto their breasts. It’s comfortable, to be sure. But it’s one of those: small pain now vs large pain later issues. Always choose the small pain now!
If you are a frightened parent, not having your child in the same room will be scary initially. It's a lot more scary for you than for the baby. Inevitably, that will mean that you will be up at night checking in on the baby, and that’s just fine. But it’s not comfortable.
The time it takes for you to get to your baby, when they inevitably cry during the night, will be a bit longer. That can mean the baby will wake up, and you will have bruised legs as you stumble around the house in the dark.
In reality, these downsides will be more pronounced in the first few months of the baby's life and when they get sick. In short - it’s not really an issue.
I have no scientific evidence to substantiate my claims, only anecdotal and experiential ones. Take them with a grain of salt. From one parent to another.
The anecdotal evidence:
I don’t know any parents who sleep in the same room or bed with their babies and toddlers who sleep well, are rested, and energetic. Consequently, they’re the ones who walk around like zombies, complaining about everything and screaming at their babies. They’re also the ones with the most nervous, sickly, screaming children. It could all be just a coincidence, to be sure, but it’s too frequent to overlook.
On the other hand, just about all parents who have their babies and toddlers sleeping in their own rooms sleep a lot better, have more energy, and their babies are calmer and have better sleeping patterns.
There are always exceptions to this rule. I’ve just never met them.
My girlfriends and I made this decision before the baby was even born. For the most part, she sleeps whole nights, and we’ve had nothing but a pleasant, easy, and relatively stress-free parenthood experience. Whenever she sleeps with us, for whatever reason, we all sleep like shit.
I hope you’ll be as lucky as us. Perhaps it wasn’t luck. It could very well be that being well rested and maintaining a “close to normal” evening life helps make parenting a lot easier. Or it could all be a coincidence, and I’m hallucinating. Who knows. As always, this is just my opinion and observation. You do you!
You will lose sleep being a parent! That much is certain.
You will be zombie-like from time to time. Just how much is up for debate. You should ensure the best odds of you, your partner, and your baby sleeping as much as possible during the night. I’ve seen what sleeplessness does to parents, people in general, and babies, and it’s not pretty. Sleep deprivation is an effective and cruel method of torture for a reason!
It’s one of those simple steps you can both decide on before having your baby, and it will improve your life immensely. Perhaps not at first, as I’ve mentioned, but you’ll never regret fighting through the first few months of discomfort. Your relationships will be better, you’ll sleep better, and you’ll have more energy. All of you.
There is nothing cruel and insensitive about ensuring better odds of good nights' sleep, general health, and a better relationship. It is one of the few things you actually control in parenthood that makes the most significant difference to the quality of your life. Your baby will be just fine sleeping in their room. You’ll always be just behind the corner and come to them when they call for you. Don’t worry. You won’t miss their crying unless you’re one unique individual who can sleep through anything. I am, and it doesn’t help much, to be honest. Even if you are, using a simple baby monitor or an old smartphone with a baby monitor app will solve this problem entirely.
I’m fully aware not all parents have this option and that some people feel this is somehow cruel to their babies. I get it. It’s okay, dear friend. You will be the one laying the the bed you made. I would only ask that you refrain from complaining all the time, as you embody the “abstinent walking dead” for the next few years of your life. It’s your own choice. Accept the consequences in advance.
There is nothing wrong with either arrangement.
Nor is there nothing wrong with a combination of sleeping in their room and cuddling with you in the morning, for example. Just know that kids generally prefer to be near their mothers, ideally right on their breasts, and will fight you when you want some separation.
Anyway, enough from me. I wish that your parenthood will be one of ease and joy, good sleep, healthy babies, and great relationships. And if you’re one of the unlucky ones who can’t get any sleep as their babies have abhorrent sleep patterns, I feel for you. I really do. It sucks, and it will strain your mental health and relationship to the breaking point.
I feel lucky and grateful that our baby sleeps alright for the most part. The occasional expeditions into Zombieland are nightmarish enough as they are. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy if I had one. Hence why I offer my advice. I mean well. I promise.
Be well, friends, and raise your kids as you see fit.
Definitely not the way your parents or random nobodies on the internet advise. Your kids. Your family. Your relationships. Your life. Such as it is.
If it’s good, you did good. If it’s terrible, it was a giant coincidence, and it’s definitely not your fault, as you are a helpless victim of cruel circumstances.
Love you. Bye-bye.
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