Happiness Doesn’t Depend On Outside Circumstances
Happiness Manual - Chapter 1: Are you allowed to be happy even if circumstances aren't perfect?
This is chapter 1 of a 13-part Happiness Manual. Subscribe, as there is more to come!
Is it possible that you are subconsciously using a particular negative circumstance to justify your misery, as an excuse for why you can’t be happy? God forbid you allow yourself to be happy before achieving xyz! No, no. We can’t have that. Or can we?
The controversy
I know this is a controversial subject because, on some level, we all believe we need certain things to be happy (money, health, a job, a home, a family, love,…).
We also compassionately understand that there are situations where being happy is much harder (being sick, dying, losing someone, being poor, unemployed, alone…).
This is the view of the majority, it’s the norm, the “popular knowledge” so to speak.
Unfortunately, it’s a mental error that keeps you chasing an external solution to an internal equation.
A happy, or at least tranquil mind, can exist within turmoil, sorrow, and hardship.
It can exist in average circumstances, where some things are good and others aren’t.
We need very little to feel happy and at peace. Most of it depends on our dominant thoughts.
The truth is that you can be happy, right here, right now, if you CHOOSE TO BE, and learn HOW to train your mind properly, which is what this series of articles is all about.
What about ___ this exception?!
Of course, sometimes, happiness in the sense of joy won’t be accessible while you suffer a heavy illness, are in pain, or are processing a heartbreaking loss.
A reminder of our definition of happiness
For me, happiness is not merely an ecstatic, exuberant, momentary joy.
Happiness is a PEACEFUL MIND FOCUSED ON THE GOOD, grateful for what is, and free of the burden of trying to control the uncontrollable.
It is a TRANQUIL SENSE OF WELL-BEING, not some hysterical sense of ecstasy.
Unfortunately, unwanted, even heartbreaking situations are part of life. The best we can hope for, while in the middle of intense emotional turmoil, is a sense of inner peace and relief that surrender to “what is” can bring.
Acceptance is the key that opens that door
As long as you resist the unwanted situation, fight against it, and can’t accept what is, you will suffer. Pain is unavoidable. Suffering, however, is optional.
The moment you surrender to what is and accept the fact that it happened, you will feel an immense sense of relief, calm, and peace.
We cannot avoid “bad” things happening in our lives. We are under no obligation, however, to suffer for eternity long after the “event” has passed.
Shit happens. We deal with it to the best of our ability. Then, we move on. That is all we can ever do.
How long should you suffer for something that happened in the past?
Is it a day, a week, a year, ten years?
Who decides that?
Why not: never, as little as possible, no more?
When in doubt, imagine you’re deciding this period of suffering for a loved one (child, partner, sibling, friend).
How long are you going to make them suffer before allowing them to move on?
Why? What does that achieve or prove?
Why can’t you allow them to feel happy despite what happened?
Now give yourself the same leeway!
“When I get XYZ, then I’ll allow myself to be happy” nonsense
All outside moments, wins, and surprises will have, at best, a temporary mood-lifting effect.
If you buy a new car (get the job, lover, child, money, house, promotion, health), you will ride the wave of joy for a few days, until the novelty wears off, and you will find new problems to solve or invent new goals to achieve in order to be happy (example). Your emotional baseline will revert back to your mean.
While pleasant circumstances may help us feel momentarily happy, they will never save a mind consumed by anxiety, fear, pessimism, self-loathing, or depression (for example).
If you can’t be happy without X, you won’t be happy with it—whether X is money, love, or health. Nothing and no one can “make” you happy. Only you have that power.
Let’s check to see if that is true
WHO you are is more important than WHERE you are and WHAT you have or don’t have.
If a DEPRESSED person suddenly receives a windfall of money (falls in love, gets healthy…), does that automatically make them permanently happy?
No. He’s just a DEPRESSED individual with more money, a lover, or a clean bill of health.If a generally HAPPY person encounters a negative situation, he will, over time, return to a state of happiness.
Why? Because he will find subconscious reasons to be HAPPY, as that is his mental default.Are all people in the same situation (job, position, threat) under the same amount of stress?
No. While the situation may be similar, the level of stress experienced will depend on the individual themselves.
If external conditions guaranteed happiness, there’d be no exceptions, which just isn’t true, and YOU KNOW IT.
Are there no miserable, depressed, anxious, scared, even suicidal people who have exactly what you believe you need to be happy?
Are all wealthy, married, healthy people happy?
Are there happy people with less money, love, or health than you?
The uncomfortable truth about happiness
Happiness or misery are always a matter of the inner organization of your mind. It’s about WHO you are, not WHERE you are.
Of course, being rich feels better than being poor.
Of course, being healthy feels better than being sick.
Of course, being in a relationship feels better than being single.
No one is denying that.
By all means, do all that is in your power to change the circumstances of your life for the better. My question is, “Why postpone a sense of happiness until then?”
You can be generally happy today and still work on improving your life. It will even speed up the process and tilt the odds of success to your side.
You are where you are. That is a fact of life. Whether you are miserable the whole time or happy, however, is optional.
It doesn’t seem like it because you gave external circumstances power over your emotions. That is never a good idea, dear friend. People and circumstances are fickle and unreliable!
Take back control of your emotions by going to the source—your mind. Build a strong foundation that will enable you to ride the waves of life, instead of drowning in every splash.
A few questions to ponder
Which outside circumstance do you believe would make you happy? Why?
If you can’t get that outside circumstance changed, are you just going to stay miserable forever?
Would it be possible for you to feel happy before getting what you want?
Could you allow yourself to feel happy, right here, right now, for no reason other than - why the hell not?
Exercise for the week ahead
Realize that being happy has nothing to do with outside circumstances.
Look for evidence of this fact. Find the contradictions and exceptions. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It will set you free and give you power over your emotions.
Give yourself permission to be happy. You deserve it! It’s okay to be happy, even when things aren’t perfect. There is no benefit to being miserable, regardless of circumstances. Zero!
Don’t you want the people you love to be happy?
Why doesn’t that apply to you?
BONUS: Why don’t you give this permission to other people as well?
Think of anyone you want (friends, family, random people) and, in your mind, tell them that you want them to be happy. They deserve to be happy, regardless of the circumstances. It’s okay for them to be happy.
When you walk past people, imagine them being extra happy. Imagine them lighting up as they are hugged by their loved ones (or you). See the joy, peace, and happiness in their faces (in your mind).
You’ll be surprised by what will happen to your level of happiness if you do this!
Coming soon
Chapter 2 of the Happiness Manual - Happiness is a skill you can master - a habit. See you soon!