How to Deal With a Stressful Situation, Fear, and Anxiety?
What are the key strategies to understand and manage your fears? Face your fear - don't run away from it!
In one of the previous articles, we talked about the first aid solution when you find yourself under the pressure of unbearable stress, whatever that might be. Hopefully, you’ll be able to calm down and feel some relief from the stress. Now you’re ready to face the situation head-on by going deeper into the cause of it and examining what is unleashing such stress on your mind and see if you can relieve and separate the stress from the situation.
Examine the situation/problem/fear in your mind.
After you’ve managed to relax, when the worst is over, you’re ready to challenge your mind’s perspective on the issue. You can do all this mentally, but I assure you, writing things down is a lot more effective.
Start writing even if you don’t know what you’ll be writing, and let things flow.
First, write the questions and then try to write the answers. Any answer that comes to mind is OK; write it down. There are no wrong answers, just stepping stones on the path to the core of the matter. But don’t be satisfied with the first answers; keep going, keep digging. Work on the issue until you’ve felt a sort of feeling of satisfaction, a sense of relief.
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality” ~Seneca
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Let’s play with an example for a bit. Say you’re afraid of something, and the anxiety is driving you mad lately. Ask yourself:
What is it that I am afraid of right now?
The first few answers might not take you to the core of the problem. Take your time and dissect what it is that you are afraid of.
Is this what I am afraid of, or perhaps something else?
Why am I afraid of this particular thing?
What part of this issue am I so afraid of exactly?
What in this situation is it that is causing this fear inside me?
Just keep writing things down, peeling away the layers of the situation, and look for the exact thing that scares you the most. Dig dip.
For example, if you’re worried about not making the deadline at work, not making the quota, enough sales, profits, whatever it may be… what exactly are you afraid of?
Are you afraid of simply not making the assigned quota, or are you perhaps fearful of the consequences of that situation?
Maybe you’re afraid of your boss yelling at you?
Perhaps you are afraid of losing your job?
Go even further; why are you afraid of losing your job?
Are you afraid of losing your job because you will lose your income?
Why are you afraid of losing your income?
Is it because you’re afraid you won’t be able to pay your bills on time?
Maybe you’re afraid of losing your social position; perhaps you might even fear losing some relationship tied to the job (friends, maybe even your partner)?
So, from “I’m afraid of not making my quota this month,” you’ve now come to “I am actually afraid of not being able to pay my bills this month” or “I’m afraid of losing my relationship with some person.” Keep digging. You never know what you might uncover. Our fears are often hidden behind the facade of outside circumstances. We aren’t afraid of the situation itself but of how this situation will make us feel.
Then ask yourself how bad this situation would really be for you.
Are you guaranteed to lose the job if you don’t make your monthly quota?
Is it necessary that if you lose this job, you’ll be unable to pay this month’s bills or lose this relationship?
Do you have any money saved up?
Can you make it for a while?
Is it possible that things could somehow work out?
Think of some things that could happen, still bad, but not as bad. Write down potential situations that could happen and would lead to a better outcome (not the worst-case scenario).
Maybe your boss will understand you and won’t make a big deal. Perhaps you can get an even better job offer out of the blue somehow. Maybe something completely unpredictable will come up and change the situation in a way that all of this worry will have been for nothing.
“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.” - German Proverb
The point is not to make a better situation happen; it’s only to open yourself up to the idea that a better outcome is possible and find some emotional relief.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THIS HAPPENING?
Am I possibly overreacting a bit here, making too big a deal of this?
Is it perhaps more lightly that the worst-case scenario won’t happen, but something less terrible will?
In my opinion, what are the actual odds of WCS coming true?
Now you’re opening yourself up to the idea that there is a chance that what you fear the most won’t even happen. This should offer you some relief.
Why worry? It probably won’t happen.
THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO
What is the worst-case scenario for me?
Explore it fully. Face this fear of yours. Go all into this potential scenario. Play with it; go through everything you predict could happen for the worse. Find the absolute worst-case scenario and write it down! Allow yourself to feel the pain of it. Consider all that will happen in this WCS (worst-case scenario) and what it will mean for you.
You need to immerse yourself in this imaginary worst-case scenario fully. List everything that you think will happen and what the consequences of that will be for you.
From our previous example, let’s assume that losing your job is the WCS. You’ve lost your only income and will have problems paying the bills. Your friends will now be lost to you. You’ll get evicted from your apartment because you won’t be able to pay the rent. Your wife will leave you because you’re a fucking loser. Go deep, go dark, feel the pain! Imagine it fully.
The only way to deal with your fears is by facing them head-on, looking them in their eyes, and seeing them for what they are. Nothingness!
When you have listed all the worst things that can happen and what it will mean for you, it’s time to test the validity of the fear surrounding that scenario.
IS THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO THE END OF THE WORLD FOR ME?
If this worst-case scenario happens in the worst possible way - is it the end of the world?
What exactly will happen?
What are my options, then?
How will I survive?
Will you die of starvation if you don’t get the next paycheck? How much money do you need to survive? 1 USD for a small piece of bread per day? So 30 USD per month? Are you actually telling yourself you can’t muster that up? Do you know how long you can survive without food? Weeks without a problem.
So you probably won’t starve to death, am I right? Even if you have to sell something, even if you have to borrow some money, even if you have to beg for money on the street - you won’t starve. You might not be comfortable for a while, but you’ll live!
Where will you go if you need to vacate your apartment? Is there someone who can take you in? A friend, family, anyone? Where will you sleep in this WCS of yours? Are there any other accommodations that cost significantly less than your apartment and would do in a pinch? Are you really going to end up on the street the next day? Can you move back to your old town, maybe move in with family for a few weeks to get your shit together? Chances are you won’t end up on the street, setting up a tent under a bridge. It takes much more to become genuinely homeless than just losing one’s job. And even if you end up on the street, people have survived this way for years. It’s no fun, but you’ll live.
In any case, even if you have to go for the worst-case scenario in your imaginary future, you still have some options. If you lose your work friends, is that the end of the world? If you can’t hang out with them, will you live? Can you make new friends? Are they the only people on this earth? If you lose them by losing your job, were they even real friends to begin with?
How about if, in losing your job, the wife throws you on the street, spits in your face, and kicks you to the curb? Is that the nail in your coffin? Does that mean that you’re going to die now? Was there not a time in your life when you managed to live without her just fine? Are there, not billions of other people on this planet, among whom you can find one that will like you? You only need one. And besides, if the wife actually does this to you the second you lose your job, good riddance! You don’t need that wench in your life. Find somebody who will love you and accept you for who you are! You lost nothing but gained the freedom to find someone better.
Yes, it would sting; it would hurt for a while. But in time, this would be diminished to a funny albeit sad story to tell your new friend over drinks someday. You’ll live!
If you lose this job, is there no other job you could apply to? Was there ever an offer for some other work for you? Do you know of a place that is currently hiring? Are there any alternatives to make some money? Do you have any money saved aside for such a situation? If not, do you own anything of value that you can sell and buy yourself time? Are there any expenses you could cut and stretch your money a little longer until you find another solution for your money problem?
It’s more realistic for most of us that the consequences of our fears won’t be nearly as drastic as the example above. We all perceive things differently, and what seems like the end of the world for some is just Tuesday for others. None of these worst-case scenarios will be pleasant, but that’s the point. They represent the worst that can happen to you.
ACCEPT THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO
When you have written down your WCS in detail and how you will deal with it, if the need arises, you must now do the most crucial thing - accept this possibility! Really, deeply, completely accept it! What will be, will be. You’ll deal with it if and when the time comes.
That doesn’t mean that you won’t do everything in your power to prevent this scenario; it just means that you are now at peace in accepting it. The slightest thought of it no longer petrifies you. You now know what the devil looks like, you’ve looked deep into its eyes and can now be rid of all fear of it. You now know what to do if the push comes to shove.
“Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.” Miyamoto Musashi
You now understand that even if the worst does indeed happen, you’ll survive somehow! You’ll adapt. It might not be fun, but it’s not the end of the world!
Besides, it probably won’t happen anyway, especially since you’ve gotten rid of your paralyzing fear and can focus on creating a better future for yourself. You’ve also discovered flaws in your life and potential problem areas you must work on. So get to work on them with all you’ve got. Just know that even if shit hits the proverbial fan, you’ll be alright; you’ll survive!
Fear is useless. You don’t need it. It never helps. Neither does worrying about anything.
Doing this exercise will help you face the demons that scare you, examine them, and accept them, should they come into your life. It will bring immense emotional and mental relief, leaving you better prepared to deal with life situations as they arise. The best mental state to be in is one of non-attachment and calm. This will give you the best odds of success in whatever challenges await you.
The process for dealing with stress, fear, and anxiety:
First, calm yourself down, focus on your breathing, accept the situation you have found yourself in, and forgive everyone involved. (first aid)
Write about your fear and try to get to the core fear, the thing you are really afraid of. Keep writing until things are clear.
Imagine the worst-case scenario and thoroughly examine it. Immerse yourself in it.
Make a plan for what you’re going to do if it comes to fruition.
Think of all the other possibilities that could happen instead.
Make an estimate of the probability of any of these scenarios happening.
Accept WCS fully, as if it’s a fact and there is nothing you can do about it.
Now that you’ve faced your fear and have felt some relief, start working toward a better outcome. You are calm and focused. You’ve got this!
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