Let Go of Everything You Can’t Control
Happiness Manual - Chapter 3: Happiness lies in recognizing that some things are within our control and others aren't.
This is chapter 3 of a 13-part Happiness Manual. Subscribe, as there is more to come!
Some things are out of our control, they just are
The past and present are filled with things that happened, and there is nothing we can do to change that now.
No amount of frustrating, resisting, blaming, or arguing is going to change what happened.
All we can do is accept things as they are, and from that place of calm acceptance, do what we can in the situation.
The future often brings emotional attachments—fears, anxiety, cynicism, yearning, or hope. None of them is conducive to happiness in the present moment.
Hope, desire, and a longing for better things can make us feel miserable about how things are right now.
Fear is even worse, as it turns an unknowable future, where all is possible, into impending darkness, from which you cannot escape.
Make a list
For everything —especially the things you fear or resist the most—make a list of what is in your control and a list of what isn’t. In reality, you control very little, yet your suffering thrives on thinking about things beyond your control.
Think of the situation that is bothering you
Perhaps it’s something you would like to change, fear happening, or regret. It can be about you, your relationships, politics, the present, future, or the past.
Whatever it is, take the time to determine what you actually control in this situation.
Why? Because there is absolutely no point in worrying or complaining about things beyond our control. By definition, there is nothing we can do about them.
After determining what you can control in that situation, make a plan and do the best you can with what you actually control.
Take action, and don’t worry about the results of that action. This is the most you can influence any situation. Do that, and you are free of any burden to worry about the situation.
What will happen is not up to you. You only control what you think and do.
Let go of all you cannot control
Once you have the list, do what is in your power to the best of your ability, and completely, utterly, brutally let go of everything else.
If you believe in God/universe/higher self, give that part of the list to “them”.
Accept that no matter what you do, you cannot control certain things. “What will be, will be. It is what it is. What happened, happened.”
Acceptance brings inner peace, even in the most dire of situations. The stress comes from resisting the situation.
Let go of wanting to predict, change, solve, figure out, or even think about the things that are out of your control.
You can choose to assume everything will work out in the end. I recommend this wholeheartedly. Since you don’t know what will happen, why not decide to be an optimist? Declare that everything is perfect as it is, it’s there for a reason, even if you have no idea how and why. There’s “magic” in this decision.
Free yourself from the obligation to manage the unmanageable, and your mind will find peace.
“Yes, one day an asteroid may strike our planet and cause an apocalypse. Since I can’t do anything about it, I don’t even have to think of it. It’s not my problem. Until that happens, I will enjoy my life. Whatever I choose makes zero difference to the odds or the effects of the asteroid hitting Earth.”
Accept the uncertainty of life
Life is inherently uncertain and unsafe. If you cling to a false sense of security and fight against change, you will be in perpetual turmoil. It won’t help you in the least, but it will trap you in misery and fear.
Realize that you will do the only thing you can ever do - your best given the circumstances in the moment, and that is and will have to be enough.
Peace can be found in trusting yourself (to adapt and survive) while accepting that some things are beyond your control.
Lean into uncertainty by focusing on all the good possible outcomes. Yes, anything can happen at any time, which also means the best possible scenario, far surpassing your wildest dreams!
The bird sitting on a tree finds courage not in its faith in the branch, but in its ability to fly. - attributed to Guy Finley
Care less
If you want to enjoy a lasting inner peace and a sense of happiness, you really do need to learn to care less about everything, especially things beyond your control.
If you are struggling to muster up courage or confidence, reduce the importance you give to something, and the effect will be the same.
Detach emotionally from as much as you can
Let things come into your life and let them go.
Embrace change, as it is the only constant in this world.
Accept that life has ups and downs, and learn to enjoy the ride.
Find a way to be okay with not being liked by all.
Enjoy the good, endure the bad, and accept that everything is temporary.
Stop sweating the small stuff.
Stop worrying about hypotheticals.
Stop obsessing about what others think of you, of all the things that can go wrong.
The math is simple
The less you care, the less you cling, the less you obsess, the less you worry, the happier you will be.
Live and let live
Among the things you can’t control are also other people’s opinions, beliefs, choices, and lives.
If you want peace, you have to choose not to get into pointless conflicts with your fellow humans and stop judging or convincing them of anything.
Accept that we all have different opinions, perspectives, needs, and desires.
Let other people live their lives as they please. It’s their life and their choice.
Let them make mistakes. Let them fall. Maybe they need the adverse experience to learn something. It’s not your place to stop them, and no, you probably don’t know what is best for them (key word).
This, unfortunately, includes family
You need to learn to accept them as they are and let go of any need or desire to change them.
I know it sounds harsh, but it is the truth. We can offer our opinions and help, but never force them on others. We don’t have the right to choose their life path for them, nor are we obligated to.
How do you like it when someone imposes their views and ideas about how you should live your life?
Let go of your desires
There is nothing wrong with wanting things and having goals. The problem arises when we focus on the lack in our lives and ignore all that we do have.
We compare ourselves with others, and there will always be people who have more. Be smart about it and instead:
Compare yourself with the past you. Notice how you’ve grown, what is now better, and how you have and take for granted the things you cried yourself to sleep, praying you would one day receive.
Compare yourself to those who are not as fortunate as you. There are billions of people who are worse off than you in some sense. The things you have and don’t even notice were entirely beyond reach for anyone who lived only a hundred years ago, and are still an unfathomable privilege for millions around the world today.
Furthermore, having a gentle desire to want something can be compatible with being happy in the moment. A solid sense of purpose, even more so.
An intense yearning, lust, a burning desire, or jealousy and envy, however, will destroy any sense of happiness in a second.
IMPORTANT - you are letting go of the “feeling”, not the “object”
Letting go of desire means letting go of the FEELING itself —the yearning, the wanting, the lack —and it has nothing to do with the odds of you receiving or achieving what you want.
If anything, the things we chase run away from us because we reek of neediness, while the things we want the least seem to chase us.
How to let go?
We are all very different so that different things will work for each of us. Unfortunately, there is no “one way” that will allow everyone to let go of emotional attachments or the desire to control things.
That said, here’s what helped me let go
Make the above list and decide you will no longer worry about things beyond your control.
Create a mantra to remind yourself of this decision. “We’ll cross that bridge if and when we get there,” “What will be, will be,” or maybe “Fuck it! What happened, happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now.”
The religious among you might try with, “I cast this burden onto God/universe, and I go free.” Some might enjoy the peace, “God is always in control, and who am I to know better,” offers. If one believes in a higher power, they might find it easier to release their grip.
Whatever the mantra you create to remind yourself that you can’t control certain things, make sure it enfuses you with a sense of relief and peace.
Allot yourself a set time, such as 15 minutes for worrying and planning, and after that time has passed, promise yourself you will let go of the subject. When I write things down, it helps me feel like I’ve done more somehow. You’ve done your due diligence and can go on with your day.
Analyse and write about the problematic situation or emotion.
Dig deep and find out what the real issue is behind the emotional situation. The fear behind the fear, desire behind the desire, emotion behind the emotion.
What are you really afraid of? What do you really want? Why? How do you think this will make you feel?
Write your feelings about the situation, your options, and go through all the possible scenarios for what might happen, including the absolute worst-case scenario. Visualize it. Accept it as a possibility. Feel it! Experience it in your mind, and you will no longer fear it.
Face that fear, desire, emotion, and allow it to play out in your mind and body.
Become the witnessing awareness, the objective observer of your mind.
Observe the feelings you feel when thinking about something, and don’t run away from them.
Don’t try to suppress your emotions. Don’t try to fix them. Don’t judge!
Just observe and process them without thinking. Focus on feelings, not thoughts. Where in your body are you experiencing a sensation?
Your only job here is to allow your feelings to express themselves, as if they are giving you a secret message that was bottled within you. Receive it, observe it, and allow it to leave on its own.
Don’t force anything. The release of emotional charge will happen spontaneously simply by observing it without reacting to the feelings.
You can simulate and visualize the act of letting go.
Imagine your desire, regret, pain, situation, and emotion being tied to a bunch of balloons. When you are ready, release them into the sky and feel the relief of letting go as they disappear above the clouds. It might help to lift your hands up in the air and exhale a breath of relief.
You can write letters to yourself or to other people, and never send them. You will express what you wanted to express and feel a sense of closure. Burn the letters if need be. Consider the matter closed.
You can also visualize having a heart-to-heart conversation with your younger self or with a person you have unresolved issues with. The mind doesn’t distinguish between reality and visualization, so the effect on your emotions will be the same as if you actually had that conversation.
Exercise for the week ahead
Make a list of the situations that are bothering you the most.
Determine what you control in those situations and what is beyond your power.
Try the above-mentioned exercises and let go of emotional attachments, fears, resentments, thoughts, situations, and anything beyond your control.
When you reach a sense of relief and inner peace, regardless of all outside circumstances, you will know you are done.
Coming soon
Chapter 4 of the Happiness Manual - Keep your mind on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. See you soon!