The Impossible Journey of Self-Acceptance
I was brought up with a rude sense of never being good enough, which made me a judgemental asshole who can't accept himself or others. I have to brute-force myself out of it daily.
How it started
Being raised in a tight cult-like Christian religion, filled with judgemental eyes, where you either live by "the good book" trying to make up for the sin of being born, or you burn in hell for all of eternity, tends to leave a mark on a young mind.
Having parents who weren't taught to love themselves, had questionable childhood experiences themselves, and were unable to correct their messed up programming didn't help either.
Thus, I was always condemned to battle the lack of self-acceptance and self-love from the get-go. Oh well, we all have a cross to bear, as it were. That's the origin story and excuse part out of the way. Now, let's talk about the present moment.
How it's going
I wonder if you might suffer from something similar, dear reader. You might even wear a brave and confident mask in public, as I do, while your inner demons, the howling voices torment you day and night:
"You suck! Nobody can possibly love you. You're horrible at everything. You will never amount to anything. Anyone who will love you will suffer for it. Everyone is better than you. Why don't you just give up? The world and everyone in it will be a better place without you. It's never going to change anyway. You are never going to be enough. You will never win. You will never find anyone to love and adore you. You don't deserve happiness or success! You're exactly where you deserve to be, you worthless piece of shit."
Ah, yes, the lovely internal voice broadcasting straight from the deepest debts of hell, ensuring a life of inner torment, regardless of outside circumstances. You don't know what you're missing if you don't have one!
The foul-mouth bastard is especially empowered after I score a win in life. We can't have you be happy, loved, and successful now, can we? Oh no. You're not good enough, and you don't deserve it, remember? Now, go and burn it all to the ground, erasing any chance of happiness, and make sure you burn the bridges, too!
Since I'm never enough, neither are you!
Not only are you an asshole to yourself but also to others. How you feel about yourself will always be projected on how you perceive and treat others!
In my case, I've long ago noticed that I am extremely judgemental. I don't go around berating people and making them feel bad about themselves, effectively bullying them into joining my misery - anymore. But I used to! It's what I saw at home. It's all I knew.
I wasn't aware I was doing it, much less why, but many of my girlfriends, perfect as they were, have suffered from the sting of my fault-seeking words. In the end, they did indeed deserve better than me!
The inner voice was right, after all. It always is.
This judgmental attitude harmed my social skills and dating game. To most, I appeared as a cold, unrelatable elitist who thought himself better than the rest. The irony is that I was only expressing my dissatisfaction with myself by finding faults in others, not unlike how a bully expresses his helplessness at home by tormenting his peers at school.
When I was dating, I often had to reset those dating apps because I would frequently run out of people to like. No one was even close to being good enough, and I "knew" it from one picture! I was looking for "wife" material, "the one," which meant she had to be perfect—an impossible goal to impose on anyone.
This voice inside your head has consequences
If you or I have a horrible self-image and a sense of self-worth, unfortunately, this will be reflected everywhere we go. Like a virus, it will spread and infect everyone you meet.
We may debate the processes of how this works, and you can explore them here, but for now, just know that whatever you believe about yourself, the world will reflect at you. If you don’t believe you are enough, the world will prove your right over and over again. And if not the world, since you might reject this notion, you will sabotage yourself plenty enough!
I can't even tell you how many times I've made progress in life, love, and business, only to self-sabotage it soon after because subconsciously, I just "knew" I didn't deserve it!
Once you see this pattern, you can never unsee it. Every failure in my life has been self-imposed, albeit without conscious intention.
The cure didn't work
Every once in a while, I would realize this flaw within and embark on a journey of self-correction. I saw the error of my ways and began to work on myself.
I've explored other thinkers and read all about self-acceptance, but to be honest, this whole "love and accept yourself" thing merely pissed me off and did nothing for me.
No amount of rationalizing that I'm some God's child or worthy because I am alive did anything for me. Repeating the mantra, "I am enough. I am worthy. I deserve love. I completely love and accept myself as I am," has always revolted me. The same goes for "inner child visualizations."
I get the idea and, by all means, try it, but once I start implementing it, my internals catch aflame. You cannot bullshit yourself, and you know, deep inside, it's all lies, lies, and more lies.
That inner voice from hell only got louder the more I tried to improve my self-love and acceptance. It always reached the opposite effect. I got a few days of feeling better, at best, before the hammer of deeply seated beliefs came roaring back with a vengeance!
My rationalization is that this loving approach works mainly for women and those who are susceptible or in search of compassion. I don't work this way, apparently.
Any expression of compassion directed at me makes me feel like a weak loser and only emboldens the inner critic with new material. To feel better, I must regain control and feel strong and powerful. It’s a “male” thing. Despite popular belief, we are not the same.
Come over to the dark side
Unfortunately, most of my inner revelations rode atop the waves of anger and frustration. Most of my successful internal evolutions were a direct result of reaching a point of so much pain that I just couldn't take it anymore. The suffering had reached its peak, and I had hit rock bottom.
Here is what usually helps me, so if nothing else works for you, maybe give it a shot. You can always hate yourself later.
Stop judging other people
As I mentioned, I judged harshly and without mercy. I gave no one any chances to get close, and if they were already inside my circle, I would berate them non-stop. As long as I was judging other people, I knew I was judging myself even harsher.
If you've never been able to accept your own flaws, you might struggle to accept other people's even more. Simply deciding not to judge won't work.
Instead, I redefined what I expected from others and my relationships with them. I changed the game since I couldn't change my ridiculous standards.
Dating issues
When I was dating, I consciously chose to stop looking for "the one" and allow myself to meet new people, have some fun, go for a drink, and see what happens.
Since being "perfect enough for being the one" was impossible, I simply quit looking for one and decided to just go with the flow. I forced myself to go on dates I would never have agreed to otherwise.
I stopped judging, and as a direct consequence, I stopped meeting people who judged me.
This simple mental re-frame made all the difference. I began dating and having fun, and in no time, I did meet "the one."
The hard-line
Regarding my friends, family, and steady girlfriends, I have made a firm choice:
“I have no right to judge them or, worse, change them. It's their life, not mine. I can either accept them as they are, flaws and all, focusing on the good, or I can leave, but I am not allowed even to contemplate changing them anymore.”
That included what I believed were horrible mistakes in the making. Not my life, not my problem, not my right to judge, influence, and interfere. Unfortunately, it was an all-or-nothing deal and still is.
“Wanna jump off a bridge? I’ll miss you, but who am I to tell you otherwise. You do you. See you in the afterlife.” (exaggeration to make a point)
Get angry, and fuck the consequences!
As I've mentioned, being polite and cuddly to myself never worked. I needed to get furious with myself and the fucking world! Instead of climbing the ladder of feeling better about myself every day, I chose to jump into the abyss of giving zero fucks!
Not - “I am good enough,” but “I am who I am, and if anyone has a problem with that, that's their business, not mine. I don't want to be around people who don't like me the exact way I am anymore. Fuck em! Be gone with haste. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”
No more hiding and pretending
I decided to stop trying to please everyone or anyone and just be who and what I am. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I would exaggerate them, show them, and make fun of them.
When I was single and felt unworthy, never handsome or successful enough for anyone, I would decide that I was not interested in anyone who wasn't madly in love with this exact version of me. If no such person could be found, I didn't care anymore.
I was done pretending and trying to please others. Contrary to appearance, this does not come naturally to me - I care and always have. Let’s look at a few hypothetical examples.
A bald man ashamed of his baldness
He would constantly try to cover up and somehow conjure up an image of having more hair than he actually has. To brute force himself out of this mindset of "being bald = being ugly," he would say fuck it, I want a woman who loves bald men.
“She gets off, looking at shiny heads. She can't stand good hair on men. She will kiss my bald scalp and shake with pleasure as she does it. Nothing less will do! In 8 billion people, one of them will freaking love my bald head and the rest that comes with it!”
You can apply this “zero-fucks given” mental attitude to any self-perceived flaw.
You're fat
You're done trying to please partners who want a skinny or fit lover. Fuck em! They are not for you, and you're not for them. “Take a pass, unappreciator of glorious curves! You're wanted here no more.” Decide that you are only interested in someone who loves a more rounded figure.
Just look around at all the couples and shit people are into. Someone out there wants you and only you! Instead of hiding your curves under a tunic with vertical lines, dress to emphasize them and watch the chubby chaser salivate at your glory! They're out there, and they are legion.
You're poor and don't have money or a successful career
This is a kryptonite for men, and it is a lot harder to accept failure than some bodily flaw.
Still, you can decide you're done pretending to have money to attract women because these are not the kind of women you want! If money plays any part in her liking or disliking you, you don't even want to talk to her, much less anything else.
“Go digg your gold somewhere else, you hagg!” Yes, you'll get fewer dates, but they will be of higher quality! Let us remember that women who exchange sex for money are whores, and if you don’t want one in your home, you’re better off pretending to be broke and funny. At least you’ll always know she loves you for you and not your bank account.
Decide that you are done wasting your time. You're only interested in a woman who will value kindness and free time, for example. In other words, someone who will love and adore you, not despite who you are, but because of it! Yes, they exist!
You need a job
If you're looking for a job, stop trying to get one that isn't perfectly suited to your character and skill set. You're setting yourself and them up for disappointment. You don't want them and won't take that job even if offered. You're not interested because you're not a good fit for each other. End of debate!
Instead, decide that you have plenty to offer and that there is one company, person, and role perfect for you and only you. You may be horrible at any other role, but this one requires you!
The things that disqualify you from 99 % of jobs make you the perfect candidate, the only person for this particular job! They are desperately looking for you right now!
Your flaws become your strengths!
There is a difference between saying to yourself: "I am enough. I love and accept myself completely," from a loving and compassionate place and saying with anger and determination: "Fuck it! I'm done pretending! I am who I am, and I'm only interested in people and things that are a perfect fit for me. I am who I am, and that's fine. I don't want to be someone else. If you want to be a part of my life, you have to not only accept me, because fuck that, but love those particular parts of me like your life depends on it!"
It's the difference between trying to fit in and conform to other people's ideas of who you should be and telling them to fuck off if they don't like the person you actually are.
It's not about becoming better but accepting that you are good enough as you are, or better yet, because you are the way you are. We're not all the same, and that's fine. It's what makes this life interesting.
It’s heartbreaking that we spend our childhood being compared to the “norm” and forced to “fit in” without considering individuality.
It's about finding your own tribe or little weirdos and not getting along with everyone. Fuck the normies! Drop the damn mask and be yourself for once! It's the only way you can ever find people who will like this - your real version.
It's about making peace with not being perfect by some general standard but actually being perfect in your special way. Who gets to decide what is perfect or enough, anyway?
Guess who - you do! So decide and fuck anyone who disagrees with you. The sooner they disappear from your life, the better.
It's about rebelling against the world, your friends, societal standards, parents, and others who keep telling you something is wrong with you. Fuck em! Reject their standards and ideas! They need to mind their own business.
We're all responsible for ourselves and our lives, and we shouldn't let others project their ideas onto us if they're incompatible. In exchange, we must stop judging them for theirs.
It's about realizing that there is no good or bad, inadequate or enough, beautiful and ugly, attractive and repulsive! Those are all individual, personal perspectives, opinions, and tastes.
Next time you get the feeling that you are not good enough, ask yourself - according to whom and why should I care?
Realize that you don't like everyone either, and that's okay. You don't agree with everyone's choices, and that's okay. You don't know who they are and what they need, and that's okay.
Walk your own path and surround yourself with people who love and accept you for who you are, not in spite of your flaws but because of them!
Art and business
Self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and feeling never enough are faithful companions to most of us who choose to offer our thoughts, products, or services to the world.
I know we want all the potential readers and customers and desperately crave to grow in numbers and attention. Here’s the irony of those attempts: “The more we try to please everyone, the less we will please those who would really like us.”
Since this is a platform with millions of aspiring writers and artists, it might be wise to remember the wise words of Sir Anthony Hopkins:
“My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier."
Dear reader, as far as I’m concerned, you are good enough just as you are, and I don’t even know you. But it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what you think of yourself. We’ll all just reflect that back at you in one way or another. Be well and choose wisely.
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