What Makes Your Life Situation So Bloody Stressful? Do You Even Know?
We all react differently to any situation. Your mind is causing stress through your expectations, attachments, and fears.
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"If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now." - Marcus Aurelius
We always look for external factors when researching stress. I’m here to tell you they are largely irrelevant, with a small caveat that I’ll get to at the end. Yet, this is where we always look for solutions, isn’t it?
Imagine one hundred people in any specific situation.
Whatever it is, a job, financial situation, relationship, part of town, country, jail, physical trait, health issue, anything.
Would all of these people experience the same situation in the same way? No, right?
Some people would find it stressful, and others wouldn’t.
Some people would be happy, others miserable.
Some would thrive in that role, and others would suffer.
Some would focus on the good, others on the bad.
Some would find it a mere inconvenience, others the end of the world.
There would be at least a few different groups within any given situation regarding how they perceive it. That is an important realization.
"Man is not affected by events but by the view he takes of them." - Epictetus
A CEO job as an example of a potentially stressful situation.
Being a CEO (director, owner or president) of a company, especially your own, can be stressful because of various factors, such as:
You are responsible for the livelihood of your employees.
You need to ensure that everyone gets paid even if there is no money in the bank and the monthly income isn’t sufficient to cover the basic expenses.
You encounter a myriad of problems that need solving every single day.
You are legally responsible for the actions of your employees.
You have to make dozens of important decisions every day.
Your employees look up to you for guidance and depend on you.
You face the most important clients and maintain the most important relationships.
The tax man is always breathing down your neck. Miss a payment, say goodbye.
One of the biggest stressors of a CEO’s job is the responsibility to their employees.
Perhaps I am colored by my father’s CEO experience. He is a good man and cares deeply about his employees. The weight of that responsibility lay heavy on him until the last day when he finally decided to shut his business down. Even then, he first paid out all of their severances, found most of them jobs, and only then kept what was left, which wasn’t much.
His experience of being a CEO was extremely stressful, and I, for one, am glad the business went under before he, himself, would.
As “ordinary” workers, employees, or even entrepreneurs without employees, we are responsible for one person or family, our own.
If we had a dozen employees, we would be responsible for a dozen families. If we mess something up, our employees don’t get paid, and their families are in trouble.
Unless our company is an extremely successful one or a very established brand, there are always uncertainties in this regard. Sales fluctuate. People are hired, and people are fired, depending on the season or market conditions. It’s all part of business.
How we handle the stress of this position will depend on multiple factors.
Some are tangible, others invisible to the naked eye.
Several studies concluded that a lot of top-tier CEOs had sociopathic traits. Executives are four times (4%) more likely to be psychopaths than an average person (1%).
It makes sense. I’ve known my share of CEOs and entrepreneurs and seen how much the stress of responsibility for the business and their employees does to those who care too much. Yes, there is such a thing.
I’ve also met a few who don’t give a shit. They are a lot more successful and have fewer problems handling the stress of their positions.
Some of them even run ten or more companies, for example. Easy, peasy, if you don’t care about the human factor. You’ll quickly notice that they are at least somewhat sociopathic (or psychopathic). That can be a good thing from a perspective of performance and susceptibility to stress.
If you care about every single employee among dozens or thousands and take their fates personally, carrying their livelihoods on your shoulders, that stress will be enormous.
If, on the other hand, you treat them more as numbers and arbitrary business necessities, the job will carry a lot less weight, and the pressure will be alleviated incomparably.
I’m not here to judge right or wrong. We’re talking stress factors here, and worrying about more people’s fates, making it your “problem,” will be one stressful affair.
Some CEOs look at any business they run as an experiment.
If it works, great. If not, they simply try again. Most fail quite a few times before hitting the jackpot, especially in the start-up phase of any business. Statistically, 95% of all new businesses fail in the first couple of years.
Should such a thing happen to you, you can perceive it as:
A mere stepping stone to success or,
A personal failure, proof that you are a loser, allowing it to destroy your mentality.
We are presented with the same situation; one will brush it off like it was nothing, while another may see it as the end of the world. One will already look for the next project, while the other will swear never to get into business again.
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." - Epictetus
How stressful any situation is perceived heavily depends on our psychological traits.
Some of those are in our control, like perspectives, choosing to be an optimist, mental compartmentalization, and a clear understanding of what is and what is not in our power.
Others are not. If we are introverts, we will most likely suffer having to deal with many people daily. If we have anxiety issues and panic attacks due to future uncertainty, for example, a CEO job will probably escort us into an early grave.
The biggest effect on how stressful we perceive any situation is the level of our understanding of ourselves, the world, and the nature of our situation itself.
As traders or investors, for example, we must realize that the markets are unpredictable and the future is unknowable. This will alleviate the need to predict the future and prompt us to manage risk. We will also have to learn to accept losses, preferably even see them as good, not bad, as long as they are controlled and predetermined.
Any loss in trading, sales, business, competition, or personal, will weigh differently on us individually. This is true even when it comes to losing a loved one, the ultimate pain of our existence.
Let us look at an example of losing your father.
A million factors will determine how sad, impactful, and painful such an experience will be for us all, but assuming all things are equal, here are some factors that will determine our perception of his death (any loved one).
If we are religious, we might find comfort in believing they’ve gone to a better place. Into the presence of your chosen God or some other myth you have adopted. In death, having faith is the best thing you can have. It gives you comfort and doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the loved one. Perhaps his spirit lives on in some way. You may even hold on to hope that you will see them again someday, on the other side. It helps a ton.
The same can be said of ideas of reincarnation or some connection to the Universe. Our deceased loved ones may not live on as themselves, but their energy and essence shall live on in other beings—a comforting thought.
If we are atheists and our beliefs are strictly limited to the known and the scientifically provable, we may perceive death as the ultimate end. There is nothing after, only darkness and eternal nothingness. We can perceive that as a negative thing, or we can see it as eternal rest, freedom from problems, pain, and suffering—a well-deserved peace at last.
When we believe that there is nothing after death, it can seem like a terrible thing. Sometimes, we can make peace with it for ourselves, but never for our loved ones. The first thing that comes to mind is the belief that they are now missing something because they are no longer alive. They won’t get to experience joy and love anymore. In reality, it’s mostly us who are feeling the void their absence has left in our lives. We miss them, so their death is tragic to us.
Should we be convinced that this world is mostly suffering and sorrow, any departure from this life could be seen as relief, a salvation, not a tragedy. On the other hand, if we believe that life is primarily beautiful and full of happiness, the end of life is terrible.
Most people are afraid of death as they believe it to be painful. The pain of the moments before frightens them the most, or so they tell me. If you have any knowledge, especially intimate one, with near-death experiences, you may realize that there is no pain or fear, for the most part.
Right before death, when it seems inevitable, one is often engulfed in an indescribable peace and tranquility, so serene it defies words. Our bodies also have a defense mechanism that protects us from unnecessary pain in times of extreme discomfort.
For example, when you have an accident, you are numb to the pain for minutes, sometimes even hours. Once the adrenaline recedes, we begin to realize what might be wrong with us, but not before.If you accept death as part of life, necessary and natural, you will have less of a problem when it comes. It’s just life. If, on the other hand, you resist the inevitability of death with all you’ve got, any eventual meeting with death will be incredibly stressful for you. You are fighting the inevitable.
There are a multitude of different factors that will influence how we perceive any potentially stressful situation, such as the ones mentioned above. I couldn’t possibly cover them all.
I hope I have illustrated how stress is not dependent on the situation but on how we perceive the situation.
I know from experience that a new understanding and a switch in perspective or beliefs can make a world of difference in our perception and experience of any situation. Life is always full of things we may deem stressful. Some of those are avoidable. Others aren’t. When we cannot prevent or avoid a stressful situation, we are challenged to change how we perceive it.
That approach is usually the one to take, anyway. The world outside us is seldom under our control, not entirely, but our internal world is.
"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." - Marcus Aurelius
If you find yourself stressed about something, try:
Seeing it from another perspective. Look for alternative viewpoints and see how they make you feel. Is everyone experiencing this situation in the same way as you are? If not, why not? Are there alternative perspectives you can adopt?
Look for things within your power that could positively influence your feelings about the situation. For example, can you cut your expenses if you fear losing money? Can you insure something to help you sleep better, take precautions, or enact changes in your life or business preemptively? If you are afraid of losing your job, try and look for another source of income or apply for other jobs.
Try to understand all you can about the situation causing you stress. With knowledge comes peace of mind. There may be things you are not seeing right. Go and find out.
Thoroughly analyze what exactly is the thing that you perceive as stressful. Is it the situation itself or perhaps something else? Could it be that today's present situation is not the stressful part, but our prediction of the future is? Could we be wrong about this future? Is it possible that it won’t come to pass? And if it does, what will that look like (worst-case scenario)? Read more on a similar process of analyzing fear in this article.
Find a way to make peace with the worst possible outcome of any situation. The fear of a negative outcome is causing the stress, not the situation itself. If you weren’t afraid, you wouldn’t be so negatively affected. Face this fear and get rid of it. Now, you can deal with whatever is in front of you objectively.
Remember, first and foremost, that some things are in your control, and others aren’t.
I know nothing more impactful on our stress levels than accepting that there are things we simply cannot influence. We can only do the best we can. The rest is up to the gods, fate, or an element of randomness, whatever fits your worldview best.
Accompanying this realization is the understanding that the future is unknowable and that what is meant to be will be - not necessarily in a predetermination or fait sense, but in practical results.
There are billions of factors influencing the world and our situation. Some are entirely unknown and out of our hands. We can do everything right and still lose. This realization alleviates the unnecessary weight of the situation. Yes, there are things we are responsible for, but there are forces at play we cannot control.
Accept the worst-case scenario of any situation wholeheartedly.
Once you accept it and make peace with it, the fear and resistance will lessen, and so will the stress. Make a plan for what to do should that happen.
That doesn’t mean you now won’t do anything in your power to try and achieve a better outcome! You will, but with a better focus, a clearer mind, and a lot less stress. You now know the devil, so the devil (your ultimate fear) is much less scary.
Fear, stress, and anxiety are almost always directly connected to us living in the future, not in the present moment.
Right now, this second, there is rarely any reason to fear. We are usually not in immediate pain. Most of us, most of the time, anyway. What we fear lies in the future. Something that has not yet happened and may not happen.
One of the best ways to keep this anxiety and fear at bay is to focus on the now deliberately. Fear, anxiety, and worry can’t survive in the now moment, but we can!
We ground ourselves in the here and now, in this moment. There is no tomorrow, only today. Our plans, worries, and focus don’t reach past the evening. Things are manageable right now. They are doable, and we can handle almost anything for one day. It’s a future prospect we cannot accept, understand, solve, or handle.
So if we shut the doors to yesterday and tomorrow, firmly situated in today, most of our fears and anxiety will disappear.
Today, there is nothing to fear. Now, all is probably okay. We’re still alive. We still have a job. The thing we fear has not yet come to pass, or we wouldn’t feel fear for it, now would we? Live in the here and now!
I have a terrible affliction for anxiety.
My mind is always in thinking mode, and I have spent most of my life in the future, either dreaming of better times or dreading a darker possibility. It used to be that I needed a very extreme activity to wake me up and ground me in the moment. Death-defying speed, intense workouts, or something that has completely taken my focus.
The problem is these are crutches. They help you get through the day but aren’t sustainable. You’re not solving any problems by pumping pills, breaking speed records, or binge-watching your favorite show.
When you notice stress creeping up on you, it’s time to pause and reflect.
What is causing you to feel stress?
What are you worried about (afraid, anxious…)?
What can you do to change that?
Sometimes, you will be able to pull out of that stressful situation. If you can - do it. Your health is the most important asset you have. Take good care of it. I didn’t, and it cost me everything.
What happens when you can’t?
Then, you are forced to look deep into the source of issues.
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." Viktor E. Frankl, a Holocaust survivor
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I heard a quote recently that I really liked which I think suits your article —“disposition is more important than position” — I like that quote and I like your article :)