Stop Playing the Victim!

Victim mentality is a trap - get out while you still can.

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It’s time for some tough love

This will not be a comforting post for those who like to feel sorry for themselves. You won’t like it. It might even make you feel angry. Good. Anger is better than feeling depressed, afraid, and helpless.

I’ll gladly take one on the chin from those unwilling to change for those few among you who are. You’re worth saving, and you’re the only one who can do it.

What even is Victim Mentality?

• Victim mentality refers to a state of mind in which an individual perceives themselves as a perpetual victim of circumstances beyond their control.

• People with a victim mentality often believe that external factors or other people are primarily responsible for their problems, struggles, or failures rather than taking personal responsibility or agency for their lives.

Who has a Victim Mentality?

We all do, from time to time. Somehow, blaming everyone and everything else for our problems is the default way of dealing with adversity, isn’t it? 

“It’s not me. It’s my boss, the economy, the FED, inflation, the Russians, Trump, the neighbor, my wife, my husband, the climate, a virus, social media, violence on TV, the devil in the alcohol, the drugs, my parents… Never me, always someone else.” 

We need a villain to take the blame 

It makes us feel better to believe that it’s not our fault. We are absolved of guilt. We’re the good guys. We’re the victims here! 

Some subconsciously crave this pity and have become identified with being a victim. A perpetual victim. Guess what?

Such a person will always find a way to feel and present themselves as the victim of circumstances and other people. They’re not acting - they believe it! Furthermore, life will fulfill their wishes and give them more reasons to feel like helpless victims.

“Poor little helpless victims, we’re suffering because of others! They did this to us. We’re the victims here. Feel sorry for me! Please?” A little hug, a tap on the head, and a spoonful of “You poor thing, I understand - there’s nothing you can do. It’s okay.”

I get it. It feels nice to be comforted. Still, you don’t want to be that person!

The exception we ignore

It’s funny how that only applies to problems and negative things, never the positive ones and our wins. We always take credit when something goes our way, don’t we? 

• When we get fired, it’s the boss's fault. When we get a promotion, our hard work and superior intellect got us there. 

• When we make good money, it’s because we’re good at what we do, but when we’re doing poorly, it’s the economy, evil clients, taxes, and other wealthy people who are at fault.

• When we’re healthy, it’s because we eat well and take good care of ourselves, but when we get sick, it’s anything but us, from doctors, pollution, evil farmers and food producers, chemicals, meat, sugar, or whatever else we can think of, as long as it’s not us.

• When we are in a good relationship and feel loved, it’s because we’re so freaking fine and desirable, but when we’re all alone, there are suddenly no normal people out there anymore. Everyone else is crazy, Tinder is the devil’s torture machine, and there are no single good men and sane women left.

• When our kids behave and do well, we take the credit - we raised them well. We tap ourselves on our backs, all proud and sanctimonious. But when our kids turn into rotten apples, vicious little monsters, or lost wandering sheep, we seek causes everywhere but in us. The school is ruining our kids, the internet, the movies, games, music, food, their peers, the crazy lefties, the system has failed them, the drugs are at fault, “the other” parent did this... Anything and anyone but us.

• When our car works fine, it’s because we drive so nicely, wash it, and maintain it faithfully, but when it breaks down, it’s the manufacturer's fault, the bad roads, capitalism, globalism, or mechanics that cause it to happen. 

You get the picture. 

Make up your mind!

Here’s something you’re going to have to get clear on and always come back to:

• Either everything is your fault, the good and the bad, meaning you have control over your life, body, mind, relationships, and fortune, or 

• Nothing is your fault. You’re a helpless victim with no power, no choice, and no ability to determine your own fate. Everything has been written. You’re just a pawn of destiny, fate, God, the universe, randomness, or other people.

You can’t have it both ways! Both can’t be true at the same time. Choose!

But, but, but - it’s not my fault I’m sick! 

Sure, but then it’s not your doing when you’re healthy. It’s just some random factor that plays with your body, and you’re a helpless little victim at the mercy of some outside force governing your life.

It doesn’t matter what you think, eat, and do. It’s all just randomness at play. “Oh, how, oh, how did I gain fifty pounds? It’s the dirty Gods of fortune playing their jokes on me again, and definitely not my overeating and sitting on my ass all day! Wait, I know! It’s the pills!”

But, but, but - it’s not my fault I’m broke!

“I lost my job in this shitty economy. How is that my fault?” Okay, but then it wasn’t your success when you got this job, got promoted, worked hard, and did well. All your wins, accolades, and good grades.

None of it was you! It had nothing to do with you. It was just a coincidence, a lottery determining who gets what. Maybe the laws of randomness will now get you a new job.

But, but, but - it’s not my fault all my boyfriends are abusive, jealous bastards! 

Darling, if all your boyfriends treat you in the same horrible way, it’s not them - it’s you. We can discuss the details and hows of the situations, but the core point will remain the same.

You’re the one who attracts them, decides to date them, and allows them to treat you like a doormat—no one else. You’re also the only one who can break this cycle.

Stop being a jerk - there are situations where I am the victim!

I know you can find a million and one examples where it’s difficult to find the connection between personal causality and the situation - impossible even.

I’m fully aware that if you get cancer, get hit by a car, or bombs are falling on your head, you feel like a justified victim. I’m sorry, by the way. Life sucks sometimes. I sincerely hope you get better. 

This is not the article for those debates, though my perspective remains the same - it’s either all you or nothing. Explaining it to someone new to this perspective will be impossible and lengthy. If you’re feeling brave, you can start here.

Stop searching for excuses and focus on the things you can change! First, we have to start with a realization and a decision.

The realization

I am in control of my life for the most part, and even though bad things happen to everyone, I choose how I react to them and whether I make the best of any situation. Millions of people are in situations similar to mine, and they react to and emerge from them in a million different ways. 

• Even in bad economies, some people thrive. 

• Even when fired, some people turn it around and end up on top. 

• Even when they get divorced, some people get back on the horse and find happiness again. 

• Even if they’re sick, some people heal themselves or, at the very least, learn not to care and accept their disease or disability and are able to forget it and laugh about it. 

• Even when people go through similar trauma to my own, some find a way out of the darkness and into the light. 

If something keeps happening to me repeatedly, and it doesn’t happen to other people in similar circumstances, I can safely conclude that the issue is with me. 

This realization and taking control is a good thing

I now know where to start working on it. I feel empowered by the idea that I can change how I think and feel about things.

As I change how I think and feel, people will respond differently to me. I will have more energy, fresh ideas, and strength, and I will find a way out of my mess.

I made it. I can undo it! Taking responsibility is moving from a helpless, stuck position of victimhood to one of possible improvement.

The decision

I will take responsibility for everything in my life - the good and the bad! From now on, I will take control of my life to the best of my ability. I will no longer suffer this helpless victim mentality because I realize that it only harms me. 

It doesn’t help, and it just makes things worse

I feel bad. I repel people away. I’m not getting any better. My situation is not improving. I’ve tried this path, and it’s just not working. What have I got to lose? Nothing!

From now onward, I will work on the understanding that I am the cause of everything. I will analyze what that means in every situation and find the source of the problem! I can, and I will do this! 

I am done beign a victim

No more! Enough! I’m taking back my power by any means necessary. If I can change the situation, I will work toward changing it. If something is beyond my power, I will work on changing how I perceive and feel about it. 

I now understand that what and how I feel determines how happy or miserable I am - not the situation but my thoughts and feelings about it. These are always under my control! I now understand that I have the power to choose how I see things, and it makes all the difference.

I may not be able to change what happened to me, but I can leave it in the past and move on. This I can do! I can forgive every one that harmed me - not because of them, but because I deserve to be rid of them and my attachment to them. Enough is enough. 

Even if nothing changes, everything has changed FOR ME.

I’ve made mistakes, but I’m only human

I can forgive myself and accept them. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m better now. They are a part of me, but they don’t define me. Whatever happened happened. I’m done with it. I don’t need to think about it anymore. I am not the same person I was back then. I don’t have to repeat it ever again.

I’m done blaming others for my problems

When I succumb to this mentality, I’ve taken the power away from myself and given it to others. I’m done doing that. I’m taking back my power. I’m taking responsibility for everything. I got myself in this mess. I can get myself out. 

When I saw myself as a helpless victim, all I saw was darkness. There was no way out, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know how I’ll get there, but I will - one step at a time. I feel strong, powerful, and in control.

I’m done complaining, focusing on what isn’t right in my life, and playing a victim. I’m done with that! It hasn’t served me one bit. It’s time for a change - a change within me. 

When I saw myself as the victim, there was nothing I could do to improve my situation. Now that I’ve taken responsibility and control over everything in my life, I’m going to start working on myself and my situations, one by one, until things get better. 

• I am no longer the victim. I am the one in control.

• I am no longer helpless. I am the one with the power.

• I am no longer weak. I am strong!

Victim Mentality is a part of your identity

There is no magical pill or overnight realization. Victim mentality is hard to shake, especially after years of succumbing to it. Nothing I write can change you as a person, not instantly.

If you’ve been playing this role for years, you’re now profoundly identified with it. It’s a part of who you believe you are. Your ego will fight you on this! 

My hope is that you realize how insane it is to voluntarily give over control of how you feel and live to other people and circumstances.

Happiness is an inside job

Don’t believe me? Have you never heard of

• Wealthy people, who are absolutely miserable?

• Famous people, who have achieved everything imaginable, drowning themselves in drugs and alcohol and committing suicides?

• Married people, who feel lonely and unloved?

• Healthy people who are miserable and negatively obsessed with their bodies?

• Skinny people wanting to be fat or objectively gorgeous human specimens who think themselves unacceptably ugly?

• Poor people who are immensely happy despite being unable to afford things you deem necessary for an acceptable life?

• Parents who have a house full of kids that those without may want would sell their soul for, completely and utterly miserable and depressed? 

• Disabled people who always wear a smile on their faces, and miserable healthy people who complain about everything all the time.

Observe these contradictions, and you will come to the same conclusion - outside circumstances matter very little. Our minds rule over our life experiences and how happy or miserable we are, which brings us to my final point. 

People with a victim mentality are miserable

Bad things happen to us all, all the time. No one is exempt from this rule, even if they don’t show it and you aren’t aware of the battles they fight within. We all have our problems. Some let those problems define them, others accept them, and move on. 

If you feel like the victim all the time, justified or not, you will feel absolutely miserable and desperate. You’ll be focusing on the bad, never the good, and you’ll have given your power over to others.

When we feel like there is nothing we can do, most react negatively to it. They get depressed and sad, ending up being miserable. Life will then serve them more reasons to feel like a victim and be miserable. It’s a terrible cycle that is difficult to escape. In fact, it’s impossible if you refuse to take responsibility and control over everything.

I said that most people react negatively to being powerless because there is a positive connotation to giving up power, but it comes with a completely different outlook - not of a victim, but one of connection to the all, being a part of a higher force that takes care of everything.

• If you can’t change anything, why worry about it?

• If something greater than you govern everything, you can trust it to take care of everything and be free of responsibility.

Again, the mindset is all.

I’m not claiming you’re not the victim here

You very well might be. We’re not talking about objective situations, definitions, or arguing blame here. Of course, you are the victim if you were abused, raped, attacked, deceived, robbed, run over… 

I’m telling you that even if you were the victim, you don’t have to adopt a victim mentality. 

Shit happens. You deal with it and move on. If you allow yourself to identify with being a victim, you don’t move on - you’re now stuck! Stuck in the situation and stuck in the mindset of a victim. Stuck in those horrible feelings you keep relieving for no good reason whatsoever.

The situation may not have been your choice, but staying there is, mentality or otherwise! 

There is only one way out

It all starts with taking control, deciding you’ve had enough, and pointing yourself in the direction of emotional relief, a more productive mental outlook, and a solution to your problem.

When you view the world through the lens of a choice, you regain power and control. Accept personal responsibility for everything, and voila - you now feel like you control everything. You are empowered. You are the one at the helm of your destiny - no one else!

True or not is of no relevance 

For now, the only thing that matters is that you realize you’ve been playing a character - the victim. You have voluntarily held yourself in the same circle of hell by replaying and repeating all the horrible things and situations you want nothing more than to overcome and forget. 

Regardless of what happened to you in the past or the situation you find yourself in at the moment, you always have a choice. You can wallow in self-pity, feeling sorry for yourself, helpless to do anything about it, or take responsibility for the situation and your reaction to it and find a way out. 

I know this is difficult

I get it. I’ve been through a lot myself, and I realize many of you out there have been a whole lot more unfortunate than I. I genuinely feel sorry for you and wish you hadn’t had to go through what you went through. I do. All I want is to help you get better.

The problem is that it did happen

You can’t change that. You are where you are. All you can do is dig your way out of the hole. As long as everyone keeps pampering you with “you poor thing” and encourages you to stay stuck in this helpless victim mentality, you’re not getting any better. 

There is hope at the end of this particularly dark tunnel, but you’re going to have to dig yourself out. Inch by inch, bleeding fingers and dirt in your mouth, screaming all the way to the top. 

Start by accepting responsibility and regaining control over your life - one step at a time. Fix your mind first. The rest will follow. 

You’re done being a victim! You’re done feeling helpless! No more! It’s time to take back your power and dig like your life depended on it! It does.

Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

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