What are the core principles of a happy and easy parenting experience?
What are the core principles of a happy and easy parenting experience?
Being a parent can be easy and fun, or it can be a nightmare. Follow these core principles, and you’ll experience blissful parenthood regardless of circumstances.
I love being a father
It is the greatest honor of my life. I love my family beyond words. They have made my life perfect, regardless of other circumstances that have been anything but perfect or desirable.
The whole experience has been nothing but bliss for me, or at least, that is how I perceive it.
I am not perfect, nor am I more capable of being a good parent than you, far from it. I am just as flawed as the next, probably more so.
The difference between why I experience my fatherhood as absolute bliss is not the objective state of affairs but my chosen and persistent focus on the good and not the bad. I realized long ago that my happiness has nothing to do with outside circumstances and that my subjective perspective and what I focus on determine everything.
Fear not. No one is a perfect mother or father, and no child is perfect—objectively. Alas, subjectively, we can train ourselves to see everything as perfect and beautiful with what we focus on. And it makes all the difference.
That said, here are the five core principles or foundations that make my (our) parenting experience wonderful, regardless of the minute details of daily life.
Happy parents - happy child - happy family
If you will only take one thing from this post, let it be this:
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in the world
It will flow down onto other relationships—first to your partner, then to your children, and so forth. If you are happy, content, at peace with yourself, and accepting and loving yourself unconditionally, 90% of the battle is won!
Second, tend to your relationship with your partner
The worst thing you can ever do when overwhelmed as a new parent is to screw up your relationship with your partner. Happy parents, happy children. It’s always in this direction and never the other way around!
Talk to each other and support one another. Be strong when one is weak and calm when one is stressed. You have to be on the same page as parents. Find a way to agree on how to raise your children, or chaos will unfold. Be open, supportive, and reasonable. Don’t argue in front of your children, not even babies, and always present a united front. You are one, as far as the child is concerned.
Emit an environment of safety, peace, happiness, and bliss, and the child will reflect them back at you. Be good to each other because not only do you deserve it, but you’re also teaching your child about relationships.
Everything your child sees in the first few decades of his life will determine what his relationship will be like in decades to come. Your words don’t matter; your children pick up on everything and will assimilate the essence of your relationship, encoding it as a future reference for what relationships are supposed to be like.
You have to find a way to be happy, peaceful, loving, and relaxed before expecting those things from your child. If you’re a mess, your baby will be a mess, and it won’t be his or her fault in the slightest. Tend to your needs, take some time off when you need it, and get some sleep when you can. The first few years of parenting present a myriad of challenges, so make sure you’re in the best possible shape to handle them with ease.
Acceptance of imperfection as perfection
The following is a fact of life, and there is nothing you can do to change it:
You will never do everything right, not objectively, because you don’t and can’t know everything and because you don’t know the future.
You will make mistakes. It is inevitable. You can do everything right, and your child might still resent you or perceive your intentions, words, and behavior negatively. Just focus on doing what you believe is right at the moment, and stop worrying about what your children will complain about to their therapists in thirty years.
With no exceptions, we all carry the baggage of misunderstanding or, from our perspective, mistreatment from our parents. That’s just life. Accept, forgive, and move on.
No child is perfect according to the standards.
Every person and every child is a little different. The doctors or so-called experts like to force “sameness” onto everyone, but that is literal insanity. Your child may grow faster or slower, be a little lighter or heavier, taller or shorter, walk sooner or later, learn things, and develop at their own pace. None of these things matter unless they are extreme and show some significant problem.
99% of you will never be in this group, so stop worrying and comparing your child with other children. Comparison is the thief of joy, and you need to let your children develop at their own pace and be who they are.
Forcing, worrying, and comparing will only ruin life for all of you and won’t make any difference to the outcome. Allow your child to be who they are and do things at their own pace.
As a parent, you will experience fear like never before, countless sleepless nights, and you will have to compromise on a lot of things. That is all perfectly normal and as it should be.
After all, you are now responsible for another life, and you have to help it survive into adulthood. The key is to find a balance of rest and activity, “your time” and family time, activities you love, and activities you do as a family.
Compromise - yes, give up on everything you love - no! That only leads to resentment, arguments, misery, depression, and sorrow. You’re not doing your children any favors if you neglect yourself!
Quite the contrary - what do you think that teaches them about respecting and loving themselves when you don’t love and respect yourself enough to give yourself what you need?
Things will never be perfect.
There will always be something that could be better or some looming threat on the horizon. Whether that’s money, social environment, weather, job, or home issues, it doesn’t matter. Remember that your children need very little, especially in the first few years.
In essence, they need a roof over their heads, some food and water, and you. Just be there, fully present, and they’ll be just fine, regardless of outside circumstances. Most people neglect this most crucial part to offer their children more money and things. It is a mistake.
Your children need close to nothing except all of you! Prioritize accordingly.
Imperfection is okay - accept it
You will never do everything right, and that is okay. The best you can ever hope for is to be there for your family and do the best you can as you can at any given moment.
Yes, there will be difficult periods as your child goes through different phases, but all you have to know is that they all grow out of them, and sooner or later, things will get better. Eventually, every single child starts sleeping in their own bed throughout the night. All those intermittent phases of screaming, crying, refusing to eat, cramping, or being sick end one day.
Keep telling yourself, "This too shall pass." Just survive, preferably with your family, health, and sanity intact.
The secret to dealing with problems
Here’s the secret to any problem you encounter driving you insane.
Never focus on the problem.
Don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t obsess over it, talk about it with everyone you can, and google what all is wrong with your child. Think of it as a phase, and it will be a phase.
Overwrite whatever is happening as “no big deal” and decide to believe that everything will be okay. (it will) The more you focus on any problem, the bigger it gets. The more you fight against it, the more it resists. True in parenting, true in life.
You’re the deciding factor, even if you don’t understand how. If you make a big deal out of some unwanted behavior or situation, your child will make a ten times bigger deal. Let it go, guide them gently but firmly in the right direction, and allow things to unfold at their own pace.
Listen to your child and your intuition, not books and experts
I am a chronic overthinker and over-analyzer. When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant, I bought a dozen books about parenting and raising a baby. I thought I would read all of them, and then I’d be prepared for whatever was coming. I was wrong. Theory is one thing, and practice is another. Not only that, after just a few pages, I realized that I would not go down this path.
I have made a conscious decision to listen to my intuition and, more importantly, my girlfriend’s intuition (women are intuitive champions) and adapt accordingly. Furthermore, I felt that I must let go of trying to orchestrate and control everything as I become a parent and learn to go with the flow. Whatever happens, I will pivot and adapt on the go.
We stayed true to this decision as parents. Whenever something unpredictable or undesirable happens with our child, we try not to force our ideas and rules but listen to what the baby is trying to tell us. While a baby knows only one “sound” - a cry—it has many subtle differences. We learned how to recognize what our baby was trying to tell us, offer different options without mindlessly insisting on what we thought she needed, and flow with what was happening.
Stop thinking and choose to listen to what the baby is telling you. Empty your mind of thoughts and ideas. Just be with your baby. Listen to your intuition. Ideas will come with feeling, not necessarily thinking. Rely on feelings and subtle impulses. Observe your child and adapt. Don’t force your ideas and solutions on your baby.
If something isn’t working, stop doing it
Keep an open mind. Switch routines, food, delivery, music, and environment. Play with it. Flow with it. It’s harder than it sounds, especially if you trust someone who told you what to do.
They don’t know you or your baby. Listen to the baby and your intuition. Everything you need to know will be revealed if you only listen.
In order to be able to do that, you need to learn to quiet your mind and listen to your intuition. Control your mind, or your mind will control you.
Observe your baby without thinking. Feel what he or she is trying to tell you. Look for subtle signs and changes in behavior. You’d be surprised how clearly they are communicating. You’re just not “listening.”
Your child is your emotional mirror
Here’s a simple truth—you can’t do any of that if you are stressed, fearful, and all over the place. Always first, find your inner peace and center, and then attempt to communicate with your child.
Frustration will only breed more frustration. Stress will transfer to your child, and you’ll just make things worse. If you find yourself caught in anger or desperation, cool off and allow your partner (or someone else) to take over for a few minutes.
If you’re stressed and frightened, your baby will be as well. If you’re calm and relaxed, your baby will calm down and relax.
You are still one, basically, in those early weeks and months. Work on yourself, and all that inner work will have an immediate effect on your baby. A calm mother leads to a calm baby. A frustrated mother leads to a frustrated and frustrating baby. Never forget this!
Tend to yourself first, and the baby will be fine.
Control what you can control, and completely let go of everything else
This stoic principle is the closest thing I know to a universal key to achieving happiness and inner peace, regardless of outside circumstances.
Study it and always determine what is and is not under your control. Focusing and worrying about things you have no power over will only drive you insane and will never affect the outcome. It is literal insanity.
Some parents drive themselves nuts trying to prevent their kids from being exposed to bacteria, viruses, or other transmissible diseases. Good luck with that. The truth is that your child has to get sick in order to build up their immune system. It’s how it works.
Being overprotective will only ever harm your child. If you bubble wrap your baby for the first ten years of their life, they will be absolutely overwhelmed as they enter the “real world,” which is anything but clean and pure. This goes for anything, not just diseases.
Being a parent is the scariest thing in the world
Believe me, I know and feel it too. I don’t care much about what happens to me, but when it comes to my girls, the fear of anything happening to them would consume me alive if I allowed it to.
Whatever you are afraid of, do what you can to protect your child from severe damage, pain, and irreversible consequences, but other than that, let them make mistakes. Allow them to fall, and teach them how to deal with failure and pain and get up every time.
As your kids grow, you will have to learn to trust them and “fate” that they will be okay somehow, especially when you are not around and they venture into the world. This is no easy task at first, and you build it like a muscle.
Most importantly, you need to realize the truth—you cannot guarantee your child's safety, health, or even survival. There are always things outside your control.
Accidents happen. Kids get sick or hurt. Again, focus on what you can control, but then ruthlessly let go of the rest. If it’s out of your hands, don’t even think about it! You will only increase the fear and, with it, the odds of something bad happening to your child, as we are not just puppets in this world! Which brings me to my next point.
Always imagine only a good and perfect future for your children
Your child is under your spell for the first decade of their life, so to speak. You determine almost everything about them, even if you’re not aware of it.
Sure, there are some random circumstances and situations you’re both going to be thrown into, but for the most part, the outcomes of those situations will depend on your mind.
This is a controversial topic, I know, but it is something I believe beyond a shadow of doubt. If you focus on diseases, pain, suffering, and a negative outcome for your child, you are making them happen.
Take this literally. This reality we live in is not what it appears to be. Without going into metaphysics or quantum mechanics, let’s just say that whatever you focus on, grows in your life.
Even if you are skeptical of your influence over reality, let me ask you this: If there is even a modicum of a chance that you are influencing your child's health, safety, and life by what you focus on in your mind and with your words, do you want to take any chances?
Look around you
People who keep complaining about their children have more and more problems with them. Parents who focus on diseases, protecting their children from all possible illnesses, and obsessively read about what all can go wrong have the sickest children you will find anywhere.
It may appear that it’s the other way around, that this worry and obsession with health are a consequence of having sick children, but that is a mental fallacy. The cause is always mental. Outside circumstances and the body are always the symptoms, a reflection of the inner world—of the mind.
Even if you completely disregard what I’ve just said, think of it this way:
Do you want to live in fear all your life?
Do you know what stress does to your body?
Are you aware that when you worry, your children feel that?
Do you want them to live in a constant state of fear and stress?
If you only focus on psychology and biology, you know that fear and stress are the arch enemies of happiness, inner peace, and health.
You know this, but you can’t help yourself. I know. Find a way! Your life, your happiness, and your family all depend on it! Never allow fear to rule over you.
Face your fears and overcome them once and for all. It’s the only way to live a peaceful and happy life. Heaven and hell are all in the mind. The same set of circumstances and objective dangers, if you will, can be perceived in many different ways. Perspective and focus are everything. Control yours, or your fears and circumstances will control you.
Since you can’t know the future, why not imagine a good one?
Even if you don’t believe your mental disposition will increase the odds of any one scenario coming true, why waste your life focusing on the bad when there is so much good in this world and in your life? If you can’t see it, you’re not looking! You’re stuck focusing on the darkness instead of the light.
If you can’t predict the future (you can’t), why assume it will be dark? What do you gain by it?
Nothing but misery, suffering, fear, worry, and pain. Not to mention that the world will reflect those “chosen” feelings back at you on every step, giving you more of what you focus on.
Final words
As you can see, there was very little practical advice on how to do something or what is right—with good reason. None of that matters. I can’t possibly know what is best for you or your child. No one can. As parents, you will have to forge your own path. Listen to your intuition, focus on happiness, love, and acceptance, and honor your child's timing.
If you asked me what I believe is most important, these core pillars would be the start of that conversation based on my personal experience, my observations of other families' problems, and all I’ve learned about life.
Feel free to ignore them all and do your thing
It’s something you’ll have to get used to doing as parents anywhere. We all have different ideas about what is right and wrong in parenting, and there is no way we will ever agree on everything. As it’s supposed to be.
Understand that most people, when they offer advice, even though I know it pisses you off beyond words, mean well. You don’t have to take their advice, but it will serve you well not to assume malintent.
Especially from the grandparents. Different generations see things completely differently. Again, as it should be. Don’t hold it against them, treat them with respect, and then do what you believe is right. After all, you and your family are the ones who will reap the fruits of your choices, good and bad.
One more time for those who skip paragraphs
The most important lesson of happy parenting is that you must always first take care of your relationship with yourself, ensure that you are relaxed, content, and happy.
Your children and your whole parenting experience will always perfectly reflect your inner state, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.
Second, tend to your relationship with your partner. After that’s done, the rest is easy and comes naturally.
Kids practically raise themselves and need very little apart from your presence and love. If the parents are “good,” kids will be “okay” as well.
Accept imperfections, and stop comparing. Accept uncertainty. Accept your child's timing and growth.
When dealing with problems, don’t focus on the issues, just know they will pass. When searching for repeating patterns and problems, look within.
Always know what is and what is not under your control. Do what you can and then completely let go of the rest. What will be, will be.
Focus on the good, never the bad. Know that everything will be okay and that you are a good parent. You’re good enough, and you’re doing a good job.
Happy parents - happy child - happy family.
Good luck, and I hope you have a wonderful parenting experience
When struggling, remember one thing: kids grow up fast, and before you know it, they will move out of your home, and this part of your life will be over. I suggest you prioritize it while you can and really stay present with your children. Each child is an independent story, and it’s not repeatable. If you miss it, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You’ve got this! I believe in you.
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