Dating Is Hard, Especially If You're Above Thirty
Dating Is Hard, Especially If You're Above Thirty
Having trouble finding someone special? Do you believe there are no good single people near you? Are all your relationships terrible? Are you too old to meet the one?
Dating in your thirties and forties is hard
I’ve heard a lot lately about how desperate things are in the dating game, especially for those in their thirties and forties. The things I’m hearing about the craziness on dating apps make me ecstatic about being out of the dating game. May I never be single ever again, please!
I hear dating profiles now include a person’s vaccination status, political and religious orientation, and other oddly specific demands. Oh my, you crazy kids. I get it, though. Times have shown us that certain beliefs and personality traits are incompatible and at least incomprehensibly annoying, if not downright dangerous.
We find ourselves divided on almost any topic and unwilling to compromise
Unfortunately, relationships are all about compromises. You’ll never meet the perfect lover who has it all and with whom you’ll never find yourself disagreeing on specifics. There will also be things you don’t like or find downright annoying about them. People are complicated, and relationships are messy. You have to take the good with the bad, I’m afraid.
Leave the fairy tales of dream-like people to fairy tales
They don’t exist in real life. I mean, after you’ve stepped down from cloud number nine on being head over heels in love. When your vision returns and blood flows upstairs again, we’re all flawed human beings.
Kids in their teens and twenties aren’t all that complicated
I remember us basing our compatibility on the music we liked. In reality, it was all about hormones and looks. Ah, the good old, innocent times. As we get older, the list of our peculiarities, beliefs, and preferences only grows, making dating complicated.
We’ve grown into adults and now know who we are and what we like or dislike. We’ve been through a few rounds of unsuccessful dating and have a couple of relationships under our belts. We know what works for us and what doesn’t.
The dating pool after thirty
Finding someone special to share your life with is challenging when you’re so used to being single and having everything your way. I see it in my friends all the time. There is little room for “different” and practically no openness to giving people a chance. Everything is annoying and unacceptable.
Not to mention that the pool of potential candidates is much smaller and filled with:
People who are still single and there are good reasons they’re single, either by choice or luck of those who got away.
People with heavy baggage from failed relationships and a bunch of someone else’s kids for you to raise.
Trump/Biden voters, flat-earthers, the filthy unvaccinated, and the turbo cancer potentially genetically mutated conforming normies. Just kidding.
I hear in the “westest of the West,” we also have a new subspecies of sequential hermaphrodite homo sapiens, who can change their sex at will. Now, that’s a whole new terror unraveled right there.
My point is that I don’t envy single people out there. The world is full of crazies, and since we don’t employ our social circles to do our background checks, we’re in for a wild ride. Please stay safe and always have a backup plan on your dating adventures.
I’m not saying that you should compromise on everything!
Hell no. If you know what you want or don’t want, and it means a lot to you, by all means, stick to your guns. Just be a little more open and lenient on everything else. Pick your battles, is what I’m saying. Focus on what matters to you, and let go of the rest.
Give people a chance
I used to struggle with lowering what I thought were my standards and giving people a chance. I thought I was being picky, but I was only being judgemental. It took some lengthy self-brain-washing to allow myself more openness. As I judged every potential mate “from afar” and discarded them almost immediately, I received the same treatment. You get what you give, I’m afraid.
I had to literally force myself to “swipe right” and invite girls I wasn’t sure about on a date. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like anyone. I’m cautious not to mislead people and never want to break any hearts unnecessarily. I would be open to having fun, but in my experience, people get attached way too quickly. So, I thought it best to never engage in the first place. It was a mistake, dear friends. I’ve missed out on a lot of fun and meeting some wonderful people along the way.
Once I started giving more people a chance, I stopped judging them solely on their looks, first impressions, and dating profiles. I kept an open mind and went forward despite not being totally smitten by them. Of course, most dates were less than optimal, and some were downright painful for both of us. But, and there is a big but, it helped me lower my guard and open myself up to new people. Each failed attempt made it easier.
A half-dozen dates in and a few mutual “let’s never do that again,” I was meeting better and better candidates. I judged less, and I judged less in return. Then, it finally happened.
I met the one
You wish! I thought I had met the one, and despite some warning signs, I gave it a few chances. It wasn’t meant to be. Only after giving up and letting this person go did I finally meet “the one.”
Did I know she was the one? Hell no. Did she know I was the one? I highly doubt it. I stand corrected. I just asked her, and she said she knew I was the one on our first date. Color me surprised and grateful at the same time.
I was honest from the beginning about what was important to me, and she was willing to try new things. No, it’s not some kinky fetish, you dirty little minx. It was about traveling on a motorcycle, which was my life then. It would have been a deal breaker if she didn't like it. Priorities, remember. Alas, she tried it, and our third ride was already crossing multiple countries and thoroughly testing our compatibility. We both apparently passed, and now I have a segment of this publication called “Letters to my daughter.”
We met online, and it just happened I was in my “open to new people, less judgy” dating phase. Not that I didn’t like her profile—I did—but there were “problems” that my old judgemental self would preemptively dismiss. What a mistake that would have been!
You only need one!
There are over eight billion people in the world. You don’t need all of them to like you. How lucky, right? In fact, where you live, there are probably millions of people who represent your potential dating pool. Again, you don’t need to impress all of them. Not even half. No, not even ten or five percent. You only need one.
One person to like you for who you are.
One person that you like.
One person who will gladly accept your “flaws.”
One person who will see you as their “the one.” Just one.
If you believe there is no such person out there, you’re being silly.
Look around you at all those couples
Is everyone who is coupled up or has a family perfect? Are they better than you? Are they all prettier, smarter, and less “crazy?” I’m serious - look around. No, not just at the people you admire. Short, tall, skinny, fat, strong, weak, hairy, bold, handsome, fugly, nervous wrecks, walking yogis, intelligent, average, able-bodied and handicapped, scientists, cops, thieves, and sanitary workers - none of that matters. They all found someone who likes them for who they are. So can you!
Looking around, I wouldn’t touch 90% of the people with a ten-foot pole, yet they seem perfectly happy together. They look at each other with loving eyes, they hold hands, and upon closing their bedroom doors, they annoy their neighbors with squicking beds and loud exhales of ecstasy. I told you I was a judgemental asshole. I never lie to you, dear reader.
You’re being too hard on yourself!
We can’t all be tall, handsome, with a head full of hair, a perfect ass, a ten-inch “you know what,” rich, with great social positions, and eloquent demeanor. Nor do we have to be. Get off social media with all the fake perfectness and realize no one is perfect. Not objectively, anyway.
That’s the good news. Among some eight billion people, there is bound to be someone you like who also likes you. Someone just like that is lurking in your vicinity right now. I made you look, didn’t I? You don’t have to cross oceans to find them. Judging by the numbers alone, you’re almost guaranteed to hook up sooner or later, wherever you are.
It’s not them - it’s you
“Oh great! First, you give me hope, and now you tear me down! Why do you do me like this, ZZ?”
You misunderstand me, dear one. This is, again, good news. I will say this again, in case I wasn’t clear enough: If you’ve been single for a long time, it’s not the problem of other people, outside circumstances, or lack of potential candidates! The problem lies solely with you.
“So, I’m the problem? Great, thanks for that. How is that good news? I can’t wait to hear that theory, you dumbass!”
It’s good news because if you were the only person left on the planet, there would be nothing you could do about it. You’d be stuck. If the problem lied with other people or circumstances, you would be helpless to change your situation. You’re not! You just need to focus on what you can control and stop whining, blaming others, and playing the victim.
Find out why you’re still single
Here’s the tricky part:
You’re not allowed to blame anyone, not your previous relationships, the weirdos on the dating apps, or your parents.
You're also not allowed to blame politics, the environment, or the economy.
If it’s outside you, it’s off-limits!
“But someone needs to be blamed, good Sir!”
Sure - look in the mirror!
“Oh, the pain. The pain! I don’t want to hear that!”
I know, which is precisely why you need to.
“So, you’re saying I’m so ugly and unlovable that no one wants to date me? I already know that, you smartass!”
Even if that were true, we’ve already established that even the ugliest and most unhinged people still have partners, husbands, wives, and families. It’s not, by the way.
Your problem is not how you look or who you are. It’s what you believe about yourself, your worthiness, and relationships.
Honestly answer these questions, and the answers will reveal it all:
Is meeting new people and dating easy or difficult in general?
What do you believe about people using dating apps? Are there more “good” people out there or “bad?”
Are dating apps only for hooking up, cheating, and getting laid, or can you find true love there?
What are your first assumptions when you hear someone is “older” and still single?
Do you believe people who you would like and are single even exist?
Can you find something good in anyone, or do you only see the bad?
Do you believe you’re worthy of admiration and love?
Can you imagine yourself being loved unconditionally and accepted as you are?
Are you willing and capable of unconditionally accepting and loving someone else?
Do you believe someone out there will find you absolutely gorgeous and attractive?
Do you feel ugly, unattractive, or flawed, or do you like yourself, flaws and all?
Are you judging other people as not good enough for you all the time?
Have you had predominantly good or bad relationships with lovers in your life?
Do you know what it feels like to be in a warm, loving, fun, and happy relationship?
Do you believe that you can be happy in a relationship, loved, accepted, and lusted after?
What would you say - are relationships generally more effortless or challenging?
Do you believe relationships are meant to last or are most doomed to failure?
Do you know any happy people who are single or in relationships? Why do you think they’re happy?
Your reality always reflects what you believe
Take this quite literally. In order to change your reality - your life, you have to change yourself.
You cannot enjoy dating if you believe dating is hard and unpleasant.
You can’t find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are if you can’t do it yourself (for yourself and them).
If you judge others, you will be judged by others. If you focus on the flaws in others, others will focus on your flaws.
Would you date you? Other people will always reflect your deepest beliefs about yourself.
You can’t have a good, peaceful, loving relationship if you always look for problems and flaws in others or believe it can’t be done. Your core beliefs about relationships will determine how you experience them.
You can’t even see all the wonderful people around you, much less date them if you’re convinced they don’t exist!
You’ll never be happy in a relationship unless you learn to be happy alone. Happiness compounds when you meet someone. They can’t solve your inner issues for you and “make” you happy. A happy relationship consists of two happy people, not miserable people, who are somehow miraculously made happy by being together. That’s a mental fallacy.
I think you get my point, don’t you?
Start with the person in the mirror. Open yourself up, stop judging, and see where life's adventure takes you.
Become the person you want to date. Look for the best in people and accept their flaws. Find ways to feel better about yourself. Whether that’s getting fitter or accepting who you are as you are, it's up to you.
Become happy and in love with yourself and your life when you are single, and before you know it, you won’t be single anymore.
Most importantly, reevaluate everything you believe about people, dating, yourself, and relationships. This is where your problems hide, and this is where you can enact change that will be reflected in your relationships with other people.
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