I thought you were shy, but I was wrong
Unfortunately, parents transfer their worst insecurities onto their children. On self-love, self-respect, and feeling deserving. (Letters to my daughter)
Dear daughter,
I am writing this letter to you with my latest realization. It is a complex issue, and one all three of us share. But first, a little introduction to who you seem to be at this moment.
You were born in a time of insanity
People all over the world showed their true colors when their fears overcame their reason. In an authoritarian response, you weren’t allowed to see your grandparents or anyone outside your mother and me for months.
That resulted in you becoming incredibly shy and closed off. You were practically afraid of your grandparents for the first few years of your life. I had falsely believed that this fact of forced isolation was the reason behind your awkward and, quite honestly, ignorant behavior with other people, including kids and family, outside certain circles.
I was wrong. It may have contributed, but a deeper issue was revealed to me just this week while walking through the forest and meeting cute little deer.
Children are like mirrors for their parents
When we don’t like something about our children’s behavior, we should always look within for the source of the problem. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t capable of realizing it when we most need to.
You are shy, reserved around people, and ignore others most of the time. You feel uncomfortable receiving attention and when praised. Unfortunately, all of these are but symptoms of a deeper issue—one both your mother and I share.
Somewhere deep within, we don’t believe we deserve to be liked, praised, or given presents—in short, we have a horrible self-image and believe we’re just not good enough. Furthermore, I’ve noticed that you freeze when you really like something. You can’t even look at things you love and like. It’s not limited to people.
At first, I thought you didn’t like them, but I was wrong
It’s precisely because you like things like cake, cute animals, and certain people who you ignore as if with a vengeance. It’s because you like them so much, something within you shuts off, and you push them away, which results in, at the very least, awkward situations, but often also in arguments, as it is rude and makes people sad. It’s okay, though. I know you love them now. You just don’t allow yourself to show it or receive their attention.
When you were born, I had one “goal” in raising you: to build up a strong character, a young woman who knew who she was, accepted herself completely, loved every bit of herself, and couldn’t care about the opinions of others. While you’re still very young, it’s become apparent I have failed you, dear one. I am sorry.
Worse yet, I have failed myself as I share those issues. So does your mother. We all have work to do, don’t we? I sincerely hope that by the time you read this, we’ll have become whole, complete, self-loving, self-accepting, and fearless individuals.
I don’t yet know how to fix this. All I know is that it’s at least partly my fault, as you, being my mirror, have shown me, and that the inner work begins with me. Still, let me start with these words.
You are perfect, just as you are. You are enough. You are good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. You are intelligent, funny, and beautiful. You deserve all the best things in this life and all the love this world has to offer.
We often think we must do something to deserve love, praise, and attention
That is false. There is only one thing we have to do, and that is to give it first to ourselves and then to others. When we believe we deserve something, really believe and feel it in our hearts - we do.
We’re the ones who determine how much we are worth. No one else can give this to us. Until we understand this, we’ll spend our lives chasing other people’s approval and receive none.
By loving, respecting, and accepting ourselves as we are, the world will love, respect, and accept us as well. It’s always about the inner work, dear one. How other people react to us is nothing more than a symptom of our relationship with ourselves.
Just as you are my mirror, the world is your mirror, dear one. It will respond to you in the manner and context you assign yourself.
How you think of yourself, the world will think of you
When you believe that you deserve something, the world will believe it, too.
When you love yourself, the world will love you to the extent that you love yourself.
When you respect yourself and demand the best for you, the world will reflect that back at you.
When you accept yourself as you are, so will the world.
Always start with yourself and your mind. It is one of the best openly kept secrets of existence.
We don’t get what we objectively deserve in this world. We get what we believe we deserve. The world doesn’t judge us. It never has. We’re the ones who judge ourselves, and the world merely says - yes, you are correct.
How to further increase self-love, self-worth, and self-acceptance?
We can start by giving others what we want to be given to us, whether that’s attention, love, acceptance, or respect. Judging others harshly is a symptom of a worse disease—we judge ourselves even harsher, and as a result, we will be judged just as harshly.
If you want love, give others love freely without expecting anything in return
If you want to be accepted, accept everyone as they are and learn to praise what makes them unique.
If you want to feel worthy, lift others and help them feel better about themselves.
If you want to be given a chance, give others one too.
But first and foremost, give all of these things to yourself
Learn to love, accept, and respect yourself like your life depends on it. It does. Contrary to popular belief, you can never love and worship yourself enough.
That’s just jealous talk of those with lousy self-images. Fortunately or unfortunately, how you feel about yourself is a self-fulfilling prophecy of how others will perceive you. If you don’t love and believe in yourself, how can you expect others to?
Never care what other people think of you
Their opinions and perceptions of others are none of your business. They will always reflect their own insecurities and inner world and have nothing to do with you.
At best, they will reflect how you feel about yourself deep within, back at you. At worst, they’ll project their inner beliefs and feelings about themselves on you.
None of us are objectively perfect, but at the same time, we’re all perfect just as we are
Funny, how that works, right? Who can judge what is perfect or imperfect? Only ourselves.
We’re all different and come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, all perfect, all wonderful. The determining factor is not what some other individual thinks of us. That’s just their personal opinion, preference, and taste.
It’s how we see ourselves that matters. You don’t have to fit in and adapt to others. Once you love and accept yourself, your particular tribe will find you. But not before. If you wear a mask, you’ll be surrounded by fake relationships and fake people. Mirror, remember?
You can build this self-image in infinite ways
Some require only a deep understanding, and others require more work. Self-confidence is usually built on acquiring small wins every day. It doesn’t matter what they are, but being consistent, getting better, and proving to yourself that you can complete what you’ve decided to do all build self-confidence.
Reorienting your perspective around what is good and away from what may not be is also of utmost importance. Refocus on:
What do you like about yourself (not dislike)?
What do you absolutely love (not hate)?
What are you proud of (not ashamed)?
What have you accomplished (not where you failed)?
What are you thankful for about your body, relationships, and life (not what you resent)?
What do you like about someone else (not what you dislike)?
What are their best qualities (not worst)?
How we feel about anything or anyone will depend on what we focus on
We can all find flaws in ourselves, others, and the world, but that doesn’t serve anyone. Focus on the good and forget the bad. Both exist all the time in everything and everyone.
We all have work to do, don’t we? Deep inner work of self-love. There is no time to waste. See you later, my darling daughter, and don’t you ever forget: I love, respect, and accept you just as you are - always and forever!
No matter what happens and what I may say, this will never change. I just hope you learn to do the same, my love.
Love, Dad
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